Category Archives: the many men of Alice

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Still (not) Kissing Frogs

I think it’s about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. Here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Le Sigh.


A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: “I work about 60 hours about in concrete. im happy with my life”. That’s all he says and the only answer to the typical “About Me” stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I’d like to know how I seem nice when you’ve never spoken to me. You can’t really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that’s to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does “about 60 hours about in concrete” mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?


Bachelor #2: do u have msn?

While I’m at it, can I just give you my address? We haven’t exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks; “gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me, I should definitely give him a chance.”

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 33 male 5’9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you’re sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are “only one x” sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking east indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you’re so good-looking why don’t you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you’re looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind.

On the positive side of life, I met a very nice, good-looking guy at a party last weekend. We hung out all night, dancing and chatting. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy I knew got into a fight (I know, right? How old are we boys?) with some other guy and I was dragged out of the party before getting the chance to exchange numbers with my hot guy.

I should have left a shoe like Cinderella…

Breaking News!

Well, more like an update – it’s been two weeks since I’ve written anything. I feel like I’ve been so busy but at the same time, I haven’t really even been. More like lazy. Anyway, it’s about time for a recap, bullet point style

  • I hung out with Bro a few weeks ago; a couple of us went over to his place after going out. It was there that I realized maybe he isn’t actually my type. He has over 1,000 porn movies in his collection. Now I have no issue with guys having some porn: magazines, a few DVDs, whatever. When you have two ginormous CD cases full of every porn imaginable, you might have a problem. And I might get an inferiority complex…NEXT!
  • Remember when I burnt my arm? I have this scar on my arm that I wish I could get rid of. Does anyone know the best way to get rid of a scar? I’ve head of using Vitamin E among other things, any success stories?
  • I met a new dude that I’ve been on a couple dates with. He’s cute though ten years older then me, he has a good job and actually calls when he says he will. I’m not going to say too much since I always jinx things like this!
  • I helped my dad pack and move a bunch of stuff this morning. My parents have lived there since I was a baby so it was strange to be pulling out all his stuff from the crawl-space and taking down the paintings that are his. It’ll be a weird week.
  • I had an interview last week that I thought went really well, but the girl I’d be working closely with is actually my friend PartyGirl. Maybe the interviewer thought it was a negative that we’re friends? I’m not sure what went wrong.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks, hopefully as soon as all this snow melts I’ll be in better spirits and writing more!

I Should Have Taken The Brandy

This whole past month I just haven’t been feeling creative or funny or even very interesting, therefore my blog has suffered – so for that, I apologize. When it becomes cold and dreary I sort of shut down and just lay around being lazy when I’m not at work. I promise eventually I’ll be feeling back up to par and stop being so lame.

Tonight, I had an interesting night at work. There’s these guys who are from England staying in the hotel that is adjacent to our restaurant. They’ve been coming in for the last few weeks for a few beers after they’re done work. They are all from the British Air Force and there are about 25 of them.

Tonight one of them asked me to go for a drink with him on Thursday. I’m going to go even though it seems a bit pointless since they’ll be leaving soon and heading back to England, but either way, it’ll be fun I’m sure.

To update my dating situations right now; I saw Bro again over Christmas and it was really nice. He brought me a Christmas CD which was sweet, we watched a movie and had some drinks. It was a lot of fun and I really feel comfortable around him. He’s gone up North again until February though. I haven’t spoken to ADD since Christmas because frankly he’s far too ADD for me. I’m hyper as it is, I don’t need someone three times as energetic as myself around!

As for the Russian, that’s another story entirely (which has to do with the piano bar and the sketchiness there) but I’ll save that for another day.

On my way home from work I started coughing in my cab. As he dropped me off the cab driver was telling me that if I have some Brandy with hot water, I’ll sleep through the night. I laughed and said that I didn’t have any Brandy at my house to which he replied:

“You want Brandy? I go get Brandy! I bring to you right now the Brandy!”

Erm, no thanks but definitely E for effort, and a bigger tip…

The Russians

Remember how I was just saying I meet guys by running into exes? Here’s a classic example, and it happened on Saturday night.

At the piano bar I’ve started working at, there’s a group of Russians who come in to drink almost every night I’ve worked so far. They’re pretty nice guys but a little intimidating. The girls they’re with are always super nice, they all have thick accents and their English is rusty.

The first night they came in they were drinking until after 3 am (bars here close at 2 am). I brought them their bill and the one guy (who never smiles) says in his thick accent:

“We are not done drinking”

Dude, it’s 3 am. I’m done serving.

They managed to talk the owner into staying and drinking, after they paid me their bill. Basically, it seems like they have a lot of clout in that place, if you know what I mean. Since that night though they’ve been fairly nice to me.

So Saturday night, who walks in but the Russians. They want Cognac, which we don’t have so what does my boss do? Go to the liquor store, buy two bottles and put them on their table. So I bring over some shot glasses and who has joined them but my ex-boyfriend from high school.

This is an ex who I was with for a relatively long time considering it was high school, Dizzy you may remember the Russian?

The only reason we broke up was because my “friend” (she’s another story entirely) liked him from the beginning and after we’d been together almost 8 months she told me he’d cheated on me. Then she told him I cheated on him with one of his friends.

At that point, none of it was true and neither of us knew she had lied to both of us. So in true high school fashion, he was hurt and really did cheat on me, with his ex.

We didn’t talk until we accidentally ran into each other at a Valentines Day party (great, right?) he brought me into a room and told me I broke his heart. I laughed so I wouldn’t cry and told him he was one to talk. I haven’t seen him since. That was 7 years ago now.

He was so surprised, he immediately jumped up to give me a hug and a shot of Cognac. From then, every time I went over it was shots all around. He came outside for a cigarette with me and apologized for hurting me. He asked about my family and remembered what I had gotten for him for Christmas one year. He asked how his English was (way better then I remember although I kind of like the sexy accent).

Later in the night, due to about half a bottle of Cognac ingested by myself, I was getting to be pretty drunk. I walk over to the table and the Russian Ex says: “my friends bet me $20 I can’t get you to dance with me. They don’t believe me we dated”. So of course, we danced while reminiscing. When we walked back over to the table there was a $20 bill with two shots resting on top.

So as if I don’t have enough men to deal with right now, what with ADD calling me twice a day and Bro back in town, the Russian-ex got my phone number and wants to go for coffee this week.

And I may or may not have kissed him in the stairwell that night.

The Upside of Downsizing

Because I haven’t been working my regular 8-5 job, I’ve been treating weekdays as weekends lately. Since I stopped working at The Company I’ve gone out 3-4 nights a week. It’s overkill for sure, but I guess I can take advantage of the days off until I get another “real job”.

Today for example, I don’t work until 5:30. I could have gone out last night, slept until noon and still had plenty of time to get ready for work.

Last Thursday night was one of the BPBBs birthdays. If you head over to my Cast and Crew you’ll see I’ve updated it with these boys – there are about 5 main guys in this group. In the spirit of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs I’m calling them: Hyper (who Blondie and I work with), Grumpy, Cocky, Sleepy and Shy.

Thursday was Shy’s birthday. Shy works up North on the rigs and is only in town sporadically. We always have a good time with the BPBBs so when I saw Shy come in and sit at the bar while Hyper, Blondie and I were working (best lounge team ever) I knew it was going to be a fun (if a little messy) night.

Turns out Grumpy had stood Shy up (on his birthday!) because he was too tired to go out. I got done work first so I sat with Shy doing shots and chatting. Since Blondie and Hyper weren’t scheduled to be off for another hour or so we decided to mosey on over to The Restaurant after-work-hang-out pub while we waited.

Did I mention Shy is nicely built and extremely good looking?

Needless to say, I really didn’t mind keeping him entertained while we waited.

Weirdly enough, he’s actually a really nice guy too. When the fuck does that ever happen?

So after they were done working, the four of us headed over to the bar we’ve affectionately nicknamed the WhoreHouse for some Seven-Dollar Triples.

You can guess where this is going.

We danced, we drank…As per usual the boys wouldn’t let us pay for anything so we had to sneak away to buy some birthday shots.

Then of course Blondie decided an after party at my house would be a fantastic idea. After all, I did have two bottles of wine, music and no roommate to worry about waking up.

Never mind my white carpets (now stained wino red), my kitten (that Blondie is allergic to) or the fact that I don’t have a spare room (no worries – Shy just crashed with me while the other two shared the couches).

I guess not having a day job to worry about isn’t such a bad thing…for now*.

*when I come crawling to you people asking for the number to AA, crying that I can’t pay rent or my bills and wearing dollar-discount underwear from the Korean lingerie shop I will probably change my tune. Until then, random nights out are in.