I don’t get the Verizon commercials. “Can you hear me now“? Basically they’re saying that the reception is so crappy that this poor guy has to stand on top of fences in the Artic to get a signal. They really should have him saying: “Can you still hear me?” Then at least we know that he could hear them in the first place. Although if I had someone asking me every five minutes if I could still hear them I’d just say no and hang up.
Speaking of advertisements, there are a few slogans that really make no sense to me. If we took them literally we’d all be a bunch of lunatics. AT&T’s – “Reach out and touch somebody“? Sorry but that’s creepy. Especially when you consider the Yellow Pages ads that say “Let your fingers do the talking“. Put the two of those together and we have a serial rapist on our hands.
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there – well it’s rather unfortunate that my neighbor is a fat creepy dude who wears sweatpant shorts and no shirt while smoking (who knows what) in his garage year round. If my house burnt down in the middle of the night I’m not so sure I’d want him there while I run screaming out of my house in my little booty shorts and tank top.
How do they come up with this stuff anyway? There must be men in suits sitting around a table discussing their options:
Exec #1: “How can we possibly improve on what we have? I love: “It’s what I eat and what I do” it really speaks to the people.
Exec #2: “Yes but how can you DO a burger? Wait, wait, I think I got it – by eating it. Yes I do see the logic there Stanley”
CEO: “Okay, how about: McDonalds, it’s what I eat and what I do ALWAYS”
Exec #1: “Isn’t that sort of like Coca-Cola’s slogan?”
Exec #2: “We have to appeal to the kids here fellas. We need some slang in there”
Exec #1: “McDonalds: it’s what I eat and what I do – in the hizzle!”
CEO: “I’m loving that”
Exec #2: “I’m loving it!”
*a look of inspiration crosses over their faces and thus a slogan is born*
Sometimes I think maybe they don’t really put that much thought into these slogans either. Toshiba’s “Choose Freedom” slogan – what exactly does that mean? If we choose a Sony are we relegated to the first twelve channels forever? Where does this freedom come into play with a Toshiba that it doesn’t with a Samsung? Oh and there’s another gooder: “Digitally Yours”. Now they’re playing with our emotions and getting all Hallmark on our asses. You can certainly tell what market they’re aiming for.
Good thing I don’t believe everything I hear…
I’m richer then I think, am I, Scotiabank? Well I think I’ll just go on a little shopping spree here and take care of that problem. Oh nevermind, I lost my American Express and I just don’t feel right leaving home without it.
Sometimes I start to think about “Reasons Why I’m Going to Hell”. After the first ten or twenty I just try to stop thinking about it, while rocking back and forth and slowly chanting : “I’m a good person, I’m a good person”.
Here are my latest reasons:
1. Sometimes I pretend to be pregnant (by holding a hand protectively over my stomach and walking leaned back a bit with a discernable waddle) on the bus or train. My 4″ heels are pissing me off and I just want a seat.
2. I always hope that no one else makes it to the elevator in time before the door shuts. This could stem from my hatred of loud-breathers (especially when in close quarters) or from the fact that I don’t want to stop on every floor on the way up to my own.
3. I give people makeovers in my head. I imagine different hair colors, what kind of makeup I would put on them, the clothes that I would dress them in. This is fully, totally a narcissistic I’m-better-than-you attitude and I’m fully aware of that. I still do it.
4. I blog at work. I act like I’m sooo busy half the time and that my job is stressing me out when really it’s only certain people that stress me out. My job can be stressful for sure but mainly it’s the unrealistic expectations that are put on me, not the job itself.
5. I date like a guy.
I’ve lived with two boyfriends, (one for two years even!) and was the one to break up with both. In fact I think I’ve broken up with pretty much all of my boyfriends. There is one guy I can think of where I truly felt like I was acting like a girl sometimes and that’s pseudo-bf – only in the last few months and only because he was the only guy I can think of who didn’t want to seriously date/move in together/whatever.
With Pseudo-bf I always had the thrill of the chase. I guess that gets old though. One of these days I may actually want to settle and guess what? Karma is a bitch.
6. I’ve borrowed items from friends and ‘forgotten’ to return them. They will eventually get them back, it’s just that that black dress is so perfect for that party next weekend. Those cargo’s? Who knew they’d make my ass look so good?
7. I have, on occasion, tried to blame a minor slipup on someone entirely blameless. “I’m SURE I gave that report to you to file. No? Hm, that’s weird. I could have sworn I did.” Then I get back to my office and find said report on the bottom of one of my great heaping piles.
8. I may or may not have accidentally set a golf course on fire one time.
9. I return my really late books to the library by sneaking them in and putting them back on the shelf. I then go to the front and whine that I know I have returned that book and could they please check their system again. (ed note: This also works for late movies).
And the number one reason I’m going to hell:
10. I don’t believe in hell.
However, if I were to go there, it would be a really cold place where no one wore high heels and we were forced to listen to Al Gore talk about how great he is, watch him shine his Nobel Prize while he is spending his millions of dollars heating each of his homes and driving around all his SUVs to get to his private jets so he can fly off and talk about how global warming is bad. We’d also all be forced to eat things like pigs feet, calf’s liver, tripe and chicken claws. Oh, and water chestnuts. I hate water chestnuts.
Ahh the weekend…A time of rest and relaxation. That was my plan anyway – I’m going houseboating next weekend and wanted to get myself in top form for those shenanigans (if any of y’all have ever been you know what I’m talking about. It’s ridiculous).
Instead my weekend is turning out to be the busiest fucking weekend ever. It’s a pretty good friends birthday tonight so I really should party with her. Also, a friend from High School (S)’s birthday is tonight. Normally I wouldn’t worry too much if I had other plans but here’s the catch: a different, very good friend of mine (Boobie McGee) was (randomly – small world) dating S’s friend. They broke up, but S still really wants Boobie to come. Her ex-bf will be there so Boobie wants my support. Still following?
Saturday I have a BBQ to go to at noon, a BBQ on the exact opposite end of the city at 4, and a going away party/BBQ on the other side of the city at 8. Not sure how I’m going to work that out considering that I don’t own a vehicle. At least Sunday we’re going rafting down the river, which equates to:
water + sun + men + booze & cigarettes = heaven
My Weekend by the Numbers:
1: new outfit for S’s birthday
3: BBQs I will attempt to attend
4: hamburgers I will collectively consume at said BBQs
2: hours I will spend deciding what to wear
40: dollars I’ll spend on Mac makeup
90: minutes I’ll spend getting my hair done
5: songs I will sing drunkenly at at least one BBQ
4: embarrassing calls/texts I will make to at least one guy
6: girls we will try to fit on one giant raft floating down the river
Too many: units of alcohol I will consume
Here’s to the weekend…
Hi there! Thanks for coming to pick me up! I know you told me 7:30 but I still have to put some more eyeliner on. Why don’t you have a seat on my lovely couch – just knock a few of those cushions off, there ya go! Watch out for the candles though! Isn’t my home lovely? I opened an Ikea catalogue and just picked a million things. Gosh Ikea makes life easy!
Excuse me while I go freshen up. Don’t worry my roommate is around here somewhere, she’ll make awkward small talk with you to prepare you for the evening, while making judgements about you in her head – which her and I will discuss at length when I get home!
Sorry that took so long, I have no idea what I do in the bathroom for half an hour! Gosh, I look pretty! I see you met Snookie and Sugar-Pie, my kitties! That’s great that you’re pretending to like them and pet them when really you are severly allergic and will probably have to take several anti-histamines later. Well, let’s head out, shall we?
What a gentleman you are! Thanks for getting the car door for me, I love men who believe in gallantry. Well except when it’s sexist, I get to decide when it’s ok and when it’s sexist! Fun, no? Don’t worry I won’t reach across and get the lock for you. I know it’s raining out and all but I’m too busy wondering why you’re taking so long and making me wait while you fumble with the lock!
What a cozy resturant you’ve chosen! I never choose, I always tell you I don’t care where we go and then if it’s somewhere I don’t like you get to hear me complain about it endlessly! This is fun because it takes the pressure off me and lets me judge you yet again!
I know you told me we were going for dinner and all but I’m actually not that hungry, weird no? I guess I’ll just order a salad and the most expensive martini I can find. Are you going to eat that pasta? I should have ordered pasta.
Let me tell you all about myself! I have all these friends who are the BEST ever! I can gossip with them and giggle endlessly about other people! Did you know that Jennifer Aniston is dating John Meyer? I’m glad my friends and I can talk about all that important stuff together! I know if I ever had a real problem they would probably start acting really busy and not return my phone calls but they are seriously the BEST EVAR!!
I have this heinously boring job but I still love to talk about it! Especially about the clothes other people wear there and who’s dating whom! It doesn’t matter that you’ve never met any of these people, I’ll still tell you all about them! It’s almost like you DO know them! How lucky are you?
Well, dinner was nice but I’m awfully tired and there’s a rerun of The Bachelor that I’m dying to watch! I’m going to pretend to offer to pay for the bill, but if you actually wanted me to pay any of it I’d be shocked! I don’t even think I brought any money! Then I’d have to tell all my (BEST EVAR) friends about how you made me pay on the first date!
Well here we are, back at my place! Why don’t you walk me to the door so we can have an incredibly awkward goodbye? How about you pretend you had lots of fun and say that we should do it again sometime? Ok, well awfully nice spending time with you! What was your name again?
Tuesday afternoon I was having some issues. A stomach thing and it involves blood but I won’t get into that. Anyway, I made my way to the Doctor after Googling my symptoms (I suggest NEVER doing this – all it managed to do was cause me to immediately think “I’m Dying, OMG I’m Dying”).
Of course, as Murphy’s Law dictates, anytime you have an embarrassing medical problem, there will be:
- The hottest Doctor ever
- A resident Doctor who is sitting in with your Doctor, learning and therefore has MORE embarrassing questions then the regular Doctor AND/OR
- You bursting into tears
Luckily my Doctor is female, so I avoided the first problem. I did however have a resident Doctor sitting in and I DID burst into tears (thanks again Google-Medicine). SinceI had stomach problems a few months ago and was tested for a few things already with no results, now they are looking at more serious possibilities.
As soon as the Doctor said the words “tumor” and “most likely benign” I just couldn’t help it. I bawled. I’m sure it’s nothing, she assured me it’s probably nothing but it’s still scary as hell.
I moped around at home Wednesday and Thursday. I know I’m being a drama queen and a hypochondriac but the fact that I had 5 vials of blood taken to check my hemoglobin and other wonderful things yesterday and that until I can get in to see the people who check for tumors I have to visit my Doctor on the regular, I’m not gonna lie – it fucking scares the shit out of me.
This calls for copious amounts of red wine…