Category Archives: my google-hits are going to be awesome

Kinky Turkey Sex, Wine Tasting and The Reason(s) I’m Still Single

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said “this one will hit you hard…” and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) “that’s what he said!”

As the rep finished:”…with jammy raspberry and plum”

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: “bla bla something about security guards”
Boy: “Actually I’m undercover, like a secret shopper”
Alice: “So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don’t shove a turkey in their pants?”
Boy: “Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert”
Alice: “No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then”

Wait, what!?

Alice: “I mean in a not sexual way. I’m not into that kinky turkey sex”
Boy: “…just the regular kind?”

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I’m an idiot.

Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads (book report by Falwless)

Hi there, dummies! It’s me, Falwless, from over there at Lots Better Then Your Blog, filling in for Alice today. I probably don’t know most of you readers, which really is a shame. I mean, for you, mostly.

When Alice invited me to* do a guest post on this here little web diary of hers, she didn’t tell me I’d actually have to come up with the post on my own. I mean, I’m new to this guest post crap. I thought, you know, since she invited me, she’d, like, leave me some material and I’d just type it out or edit it or whatever. I dunno. I was all, pshaa, bring it on! Easy peazy, beezy!

But then I got here and nothing. There’s nothing to greet me but wilting plants and strange-looking people. I effing hate you, Alice. You and this dumb mediocre town.

So, I guess I have to pull from my magical box I lovingly call “Oh Shit What The Hell Is There To Write About Today?” Yeah, I know what you’re thinking–this is gonna be good. Strap in, monkeys.

About a month ago I was searching The Google for something I can’t even recall now, and a really strange sponsored ad popped up on the right side that had nothing to do with what I searched for. So, because I am made mostly of things like “awesome” and “more awesome” and “no godforsaken life whatsoever,” I started punching in random search queries to see if The Google could make me laugh.

Well, my wishes came true. Enjoy this little Average-Land foray into Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads.

Search term: fetish smelly feet

As expected, really. Niiice.

Search term: cows

What questions could this survey possibly ask?

Search term: grey hair

Yes, calm the eff down, google searcher. Jesus, get a grip, would you?

Search term: ham radio

Don’t we all aspire to be hams?

Search term: I hate you

Interesting sales tactic. Reminds me of my blog, actually.

Search term: dry cleaning

This wouldn’t be funny except for the word “extreme.” HOLY SHIT! SOME CRAZY ASS DRY CLEANIN’ START UP TIPS, PARTY PEOPLE!

Search term: puke

Shop around, people. Don’t pay too much.

Search term: senior citizen

I don’t know if you can find one in particular (Grandma?), or if you just have to take the next one available…

Search term: look young

The shittiest sponsored ad ever. FAIL. (Is that even a real website? powerWIGHT? WTF?)

Search term: sucks

The best sponsored ad ever. WIN.

Search term: toilet paper

I’m most interested in the reviews.

Search term: advertise website

Hmmm. Maybe the owner of that top ad should rethink things.

and, last but not least:

Search term: weight loss

Way to motivate, google ad. Way to motivate. Nice work.

All right, that’s all, ladies and gentlescrotums. If you enjoyed this, then you will surely** enjoy the other daily nonsense I type on my blog, so maybe it’s time you stopped reading Alice’s stupid little diary here and read mine instead! SHHHH! Don’t tell her I said that!

Seriously, though, don’t tell her or I will hunt you down, I swear to god. Don’t even try me, loser!

* demanded that I
** most likely not

Blondie Says: Which Way is East?

Well this is it, I’m off to the East Coast – I can’t wait, apparently it’s beautiful. I’ll take lots of pictures! While I’m away I have lined up 6 fabulous guest bloggers that I’m very excited about…

Since I’ll be traveling with Blondie for this vacation, I will leave you with some of my favorite Blondie-isms:

At the Lilac Festival:

Alice and Blondie are strolling along in the crowds, checking out the booths:
Blondie: ohmygawd look! A baby cow!
Alice: Uh, that’s a dalmation


At Our Restaurant:
Blondie is serving a lady some tea:
Lady: Excuse me miss, who makes your tea?
Blondie: I do!! I take the tea bag, put it in the teapot and add hot water!
Lady: I meant what brand is your tea


Before Her First Trip to Banff:

Blondie: “Alice, are there any mountains that are taller than buildings?”


At Taste of Calgary:

Alice: “Hm, I’m not sure I feel like lamb”
Blondie: “What animal is lamb?”
Alice: “Seriously?…? It’s a baby sheep”
Blondie: “Really??”
Alice: “Really?”


Talking About Sex:

Blondie’s Roommate: “blabla something about the G-Spot”
Blondie: “The G-spot…? That’s the clit right?”


Blondie: “What’s an aeriola?
Alice: “It’s your nipple”

Later that day:
Blondie: “My aioli’s are hard!”


Talking About Birthdays:

Blondie: “I’m almost 27…that’s like, halfway to 30!!”


I have a feeling there’ll be lots more where those came from after this trip. Hope you all have a great week!

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