I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.
I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.
For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said “this one will hit you hard…” and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) “that’s what he said!”
As the rep finished:”…with jammy raspberry and plum”
And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.
So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:
Alice: “bla bla something about security guards”
Boy: “Actually I’m undercover, like a secret shopper”
Alice: “So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don’t shove a turkey in their pants?”
Boy: “Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert”
Alice: “No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then”
Alice: “I mean in a not sexual way. I’m not into that kinky turkey sex”
Boy: “…just the regular kind?”
Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I’m an idiot.
Hi there, dummies! It’s me, Falwless, from over there at Lots Better Then Your Blog, filling in for Alice today. I probably don’t know most of you readers, which really is a shame. I mean, for you, mostly.
When Alice invited me to* do a guest post on this here little web diary of hers, she didn’t tell me I’d actually have to come up with the post on my own. I mean, I’m new to this guest post crap. I thought, you know, since she invited me, she’d, like, leave me some material and I’d just type it out or edit it or whatever. I dunno. I was all, pshaa, bring it on! Easy peazy, beezy!
So, I guess I have to pull from my magical box I lovingly call “Oh Shit What The Hell Is There To Write About Today?” Yeah, I know what you’re thinking–this is gonna be good. Strap in, monkeys.
About a month ago I was searching The Google for something I can’t even recall now, and a really strange sponsored ad popped up on the right side that had nothing to do with what I searched for. So, because I am made mostly of things like “awesome” and “more awesome” and “no godforsaken life whatsoever,” I started punching in random search queries to see if The Google could make me laugh.
Well, my wishes came true. Enjoy this little Average-Land foray into Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads.
and, last but not least:
All right, that’s all, ladies and gentlescrotums. If you enjoyed this, then you will surely** enjoy the other daily nonsense I type on my blog, so maybe it’s time you stopped reading Alice’s stupid little diary here and read mine instead! SHHHH! Don’t tell her I said that!
Seriously, though, don’t tell her or I will hunt you down, I swear to god. Don’t even try me, loser!
* demanded that I
** most likely not
Since I’ll be traveling with Blondie for this vacation, I will leave you with some of my favorite Blondie-isms:
At the Lilac Festival:
Alice and Blondie are strolling along in the crowds, checking out the booths:
Blondie: ohmygawd look! A baby cow!
Alice: Uh, that’s a dalmation
At Our Restaurant:
Blondie is serving a lady some tea:
Lady: Excuse me miss, who makes your tea?
Blondie: I do!! I take the tea bag, put it in the teapot and add hot water!
Lady: I meant what brand is your tea
Before Her First Trip to Banff:
Blondie: “Alice, are there any mountains that are taller than buildings?”
At Taste of Calgary:
Alice: “Hm, I’m not sure I feel like lamb”
Blondie: “What animal is lamb?”
Alice: “Seriously?…? It’s a baby sheep”
Talking About Sex:
Blondie’s Roommate: “blabla something about the G-Spot”
Blondie: “The G-spot…? That’s the clit right?”
Blondie: “What’s an aeriola?
Alice: “It’s your nipple”
Later that day:
Blondie: “My aioli’s are hard!”
Talking About Birthdays:
Blondie: “I’m almost 27…that’s like, halfway to 30!!”
I have a feeling there’ll be lots more where those came from after this trip. Hope you all have a great week!