Category Archives: Men

Buckle up, Alice

Bahaha. I’m so awesome. I plug an awesome blogger on the same day that I take over for her while she’s on vacation. I’m SHAMELESS.

Ahem.

Hi everyone. If you didn’t guess by the blatant guest-postery, it’s Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, taking over yet another unsuspecting blog with my propaganda of wiener dogs, suburbs, common-law marriage and other genuinely un-20-something characteristics. Would it help to know that I’m listening to Girlicious as I write this?

By the way, who exactly is it that wants to be like them? I think that’s a crucial missing detail in their shiteous song. I think it would be more accurate if it was the Pussycat Dolls singing the song to Girlicious. And even then, I think I’d be embarrassed for everyone involved.

Back to business.

It just so happens that Alice is visiting my neck of the woods this week. For that reason, I think there’s no better time than the present to describe the dream date that I would have taken her on. Why aren’t we doing said date? Because the lure of the swimming pool has left me hungover with a taste of heatstroke. I suck. However, one day our paths will cross and at least we’ll have a plan. So without further ado…

10:30am – Meet for brunch. This is important because I don’t do meal-skipping. I needs my breakfast and Alice does too. I’ve decided that. We will eat many things covered in Hollandaise sauce.

12:00pm – What’s that? It’s now socially appropriate to drink? OKAY! We’ll grab a quick beer on a nice patio before strolling the shops. Spending is better when a little looped.

1:30pm – My credit card craves abuse because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel validated. Therefore, we will go and buy clothes that are part slutty and flashy, part old time class. During this activity, we will make blatant passes at each other by commenting on each other’s assets and maybe flashing some boob. Depends how the beer went down.

4:00pm – Beer makes us sleepy so we put on an awesome show like this and fall asleep for a bit. Growing drunks need their rest in order to make it through the sort of night that we deserve.

7:00pm – Time to run out and grab a light dinner and about 18 martinis each before heading home to get ready for the late shift.

9:00pm – Drink copious amounts of alcohol while showering and getting our hurr did. In Halifax, it’s not cool to get to the bars before midnight since they’re open until four. Must. Get. Soused. Beforehand.

12:30am – Stumble to a bar. Any bar. Or restaurant. Or video store. Whatever establishment that we can make it to without getting turned away.

1:00am – 4:00am – This time slot is appropriately foggy. We will do what we please, we will make poor choices and we will pay for them in the morning

9:00am – Wake up. Realize we are still drunk. Realize that we (hopefully) did not sleep together. Vomit. Never want to see each other again.

10:00am – Blog about it.

May or May Not Have

I think we used up all our funny this weekend. I have never laughed so hard in my life (other then an incident that involved poker, cake, Michael Bolton and dog food but that’s a story for another day). I’m not sure if it was the hot (32-38 degree Celsius) weather, the steady stream of alcoholic beverages or just the fact that I was with people I love to be around but holy hell was it a fun trip.

Although there are a few fuzzy details (why was the joke about roofies so hilarious? Who first started comparing Larry to Chuck Norris? Why did we decide that swimming through the lake in pitch black night was far safer then traipsing through the woods to return to the boat?) I guess some things we’ll just never know.

In light of the weekend, and since I seem to always have a list once a week here is:

I May or May Not Have:

Left the Following on O/N’s Boat (he was there for a stag):

  • 1 leg warmer
  • 2 pink & black gauntlet gloves
  • 1 black skirt
  • 1 rabbit tail
  • 4 beaded shot glasses
  • 1 gold flip-flop
  • 1 sailor hat
  • 2 bikini ties
  • My singledom (more on that another day)

Used the Following Sentences:

  • Damage deposit…? Well, what happens if we lose the boat? ( I was dead serious)
  • I only call you bitches ‘cuz I don’t know y’all individually
  • Listen you douche-monkeys
  • Nobody can die on my watch. Promise? It’s almost Co-Captains turn so lets jump off the edge then.
  • Who knew a mag light was water proof!? What? It’s not? Shit.
  • Larry doesn’t throw up when he drinks too much…He throws down!
  • Well your damage deposit may be gone…but so are we…ha!
  • It’s wabbit-hunting season (while dressed like a playboy bunny)
  • Two men…one toothbrush

Done the Following:

  • A keg stand, after which I promptly projectile vomited beer, then did another.
  • Hit my head on a ceiling fan and loudly announced that I was “concussed”
  • Woken up, poured & drank a Gin caesar, then gone back to bed on the top deck
  • Thought I was going to die on the way home when our driver, going 200 in the pouring rain decided it would be funny to start poking her bf. Around the mountains. While passing another car.

So August-long anyone…?

This Is Your Captain Speaking

Picturesque mountains surround the calm, crystal clear blue lake. Water trickles from high in the porous rocks. In the distance a seagull floats gently on a gust of wind. Welcome to the Shuswaps, located in the heart of beautiful British Columbia. Please step on board, take a seat and relax.

On the menu for this evening is a steady diet of Vodka, mixed with water and a touch of lime. Be sure you’ve dressed in your 80s finery and have those ponytails teased and ready.

Tonight we go back to the glory days of music. The neon colors and big hair; the leggings, stir-ups and leg-warmers of yester-year. Let me just park this rig over here on this sandy beach, next to the other houseboat full of people ready to party.

Tomorrow we’ll all wake up hungover, but not to fear – I’ll have caesars at the ready for all 14 of you. Whats that you say? Why yes, we will be floating around the lake all day today, relaxing in our hot tub with the music blaring and radio-ing other boats to make sure there are plenty of hot men in stock.

Not to worry, Saturday is playboy bunny night, so make sure you wear your hottest little bikini (but if it’s hotter then mine I’ll be pissed). The party at Nielson beach tonight will consist of, oh maybe 100 other boatloads of people, disco on the beach, a live band, a foam party, hot tubs, bikinis, fireworks, and Vodka…let’s not forget the Vodka.

Sunday perhaps we’ll take it easy in the hot tub again. The men with the parasailing boat should be swinging by any time now for those of you who would like to go for a little ride. If parasailing isn’t your thing, there are seadoos and speedboats a plenty. Water-skiing anyone?

Don’t forget that today is Sexy Sailors and Pirates themed so get those navy and white bikini and stilettos out. Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to be wearing stilettos on a rocking boat and the sandy beach. Silly question! Can I make you another beverage?

Welcome to your July long weekend…

Waiting (Part One)

I work part time in a restaurant. Mostly I do this for fun, also because the average age of people in my office hovers somewhere between Harrison Ford and the Crypt Keeper. Um also, there are some good looking eye-candy men in the restaurant biz. Oh ya plus there’s the fact that I can’t afford my lifestyle on a one person salary. Love buying shoes y’all.
Anyway usually I go in once a week, work a few hours, make some money, gossip, it’s all good. Occasionally I get asshole “guests” (not allowed to call them customers). I’m not going to bitch about money/tips because that isn’t why I work there (although $6 on $104? Really? Really?)
Instead, here are a few helpful pointers for my lovely guests.
  • When I am bringing over your food, please allow me to place it on the table before grabbing food off of it like a starving hyena. While I understand that the fries are delicious and that you have, apparently, not eaten in a week, today is not the day I want to go to emergency with 3rd degree burns because you couldn’t wait two more seconds to stuff your face.
  • On a similar note: if I say the plate is hot, it is advisable for you to NOT grab it immediately. I’m not sure if you think I’m playing a little joke on you but rest assured I’m not standing behind you with another server giggling over the fact that you actually believed me and now refuse to touch your plate. If I’m giggling over anything it’s the fact that I just won ten bucks by betting that you’d touch it in under five seconds.
  • If you are on medication or otherwise “intoxicated”, it might be best to go home, curl up in your bed (fetal position is highly recommended) and have a good sleep. Our booths may be comfortable and all but nothing beats waking up at home. You know, as opposed to at my table, in a plate of mashed potatoes.
  • I appreciate it when you are understanding! It’s nice to see your happy smiling face patiently waiting for me to grab your diet pepsi with three ice cubes and a lime and the water, no ice with a lemon. Can I offer you a peppermint tea with honey and milk or perhaps you’d like some hot fucking water with a side of kiss my ass?
  • If there is a sign that says “Seat Yourself” well by all means – go for it! Live a little, maybe grab a table that’s close to the kitchen so you can hear the profanities spewing from the mouths of the cooks! Maybe try a high table with stools (you rebel)! If however, there is no sign, or a sign that says “Please Wait to Be Seated” why not wait for the goddamn host/ess. She/he will be delighted to escort you to a table (usually of your choice). There IS a system, we KNOW there are empty tables – feel free to sit in one if you like waiting for an hour to be served – because there is no server in that section.
  • I don’t mind changing up the food a bit. You’re on a low-carb diet? Aren’t we all – so no potatoes for you, great! And your friend has an allergy to shellfish? Ok, super I will let the cooks know and we’ll keep those pesky shrimps away from ya. No worries. Oh, little Billy wants the pasta but with tomato sauce instead? Consider it done. Now Grandma, as for your request for something that fits in with your gluten-free, low-sodium, no butter, allergic to nuts and garlic, hate cilantro, can’t digest sugar and vegetarian diet…here is your water. Enjoy!

An Interesting Development…

Well I wasn’t exactly successful in turning off my cell phone early but I also didn’t really drink and didn’t call pseudo-bf. In fact, a guy I dated in High School(!), that I ran into last weekend called me. He and a friend came to meet up with us for a drink and I didn’t even think about pseudo-bf until he called me! (Side note: I wouldn’t exactly call it dating. We slept together in high school).

Anyway, I didn’t answer my phone but instead of feeling smug I felt a little sad. I think I’m actually through with him.

As for this old/new guy, (I’ll call him O/N) I’m pretty glad I ran into him last weekend and that he came out last night. I think I may plan to run into him again.

It doesn’t hurt that he’s like 6’2″ and can pick me up like I’m a sack of flour. Or something less fattening. Like salad.

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