Category Archives: Lists

99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall

Just kidding. Actually 99 comments about me – ha tricked you. These memes spread around the internet like a bad case of herpes. After seeing this one several times, with variations, I’ve decided to suck it up and get it done. Partially because I have no witty thoughts today and partially because hey, it’s all about me here.

1. I don’t like using Decimal Tabs in Word because I don’t get it
2. I’m outgoing but somehow still shy, especially in business settings. Maybe this is because I feel out of place.
3. I keep diet pills on my desk to remind myself not to eat junk food
4. I never take the pills, I just look at them
5. I was an aspiring anorexic in Junior High and jealous of the girls in magazines who weighed 90 pounds
6. I like golfing 3/4 because I’m decent at it and 1/4 because guys like it that I play
7. I’ve called in sick with a bad hair day
8. If I could throw out all the papers on my desk and start over, I would
9. I’m a firm believer that ranch dressing tastes good on everything
10. I use the handicap button on doors, partially because I’m too lazy to hold it for the next person but don’t want to let it go in their face and partially just because it’s there

11. Sometimes I think that I never want children but part of me knows that’s probably not true
12. I actually like rain. It’s refreshing, peaceful and smells good
13. I hate loud-breathers, low-talkers and whistle-nosers
14. I get random bruises super easily. If someone touches my arm I just might bruise
15. For some reason I kind of like that people assume I’m dumb on first appearances
16. It’s sort of satisfying to prove them wrong
17. I’m blonde now but my natural hair color is a dark red-brown
18. I’ve dyed my hair every hair color possible since I was in Grade six
19. I’m fully fluent in French, pretty rusty at Spanish and trying to get better at Sign Language
20. I’ve had a poem published but now I hate it

21. I’m the only daughter (out of 4) that loved to cook growing up. My older sister is learning now. Next time I visit I’m making her cook me dinner
22. I hate corn, water chesnuts and milk
23. The thought of drinking a glass of milk makes me want to Vom – I’ve hated it since I was 12.
24. I was a pseudo-vegetarian for a stretch in my teens
25. I didn’t eat a hamburger again until last year, now I eat them all the time.
26. Post Secrets make me cry
27. I’ve lived with two boyfriends. Both times I felt like I was playing house.
28. I had mono when I was 16 and didn’t get out of bed for over a month. I woke up one day and it was a week later then when I’d fallen asleep. My mother had changed my sheets and bathed me in the meantime and I remember nothing.
29. I failed CALM (Career and Life Management) 4 times in High School yet was the only one of my friends to move out at 18, get a job and start real life.
30. I think I could have been on the honor roll if I’d gone to class.

31. I have better than 20/20 vision
32. I spend more than I can afford, and live paycheck to paycheck but have still managed to save up a good amount of money somehow.
33. I have no credit card debt, I cut up 4 credit cards over a year ago when I realized I was getting stupid with them.
34. The only time I like smoking weed is when I’m meticulously cleaning my house – I get super detailed and end up cleaning window sills with toothpicks.
35. I’m very stubborn. When I think my way is right, it is.
36. I hate wearing a wet bikini. My friends joke around when we’re on vacation about how often I change into new bikinis but the feeling of wet lycra drives me nuts.
37. I’ve been in 7 car accidents. Only one was my fault and I was in my driving instructors car when it happened so it wasn’t even technically my fault. He got fired, I still feel bad.
38. I have over 70 pairs of shoes and still have trouble deciding which to wear
39. I believe in astrology, but mostly only the ones that you put in your actual birth time, not just the 12 signs.
40. I saw a psychic once – it creeped me out and made me want to learn more at the same time. He predicted a lot but I sometimes wonder if those things happened because I knew they were supposed to or if they were supposed to and he just knew.

41. My parents were going to name me Courtney Dawn but changed thier minds when I was born
42. My real name isn’t Alice either
43. I have a scar in my eyebrow from falling on a brick fireplace when I was 8.
44. I have another scar above my eyebrow from falling on the same fireplace when I was 4.
45. I suffer from middle-child syndrome
46. I love poker and have a secret dream that I enter a tournament in Vegas and win.
47. I went from $15,000 in fake money to $485,000 in a few months.
48.I usually win in live games with friends
49. I think it’s because I can read people scarily accurately
50. My least favorite chore is vaccuming

51. I had no idea what Craigslist was until this year
52. Sometimes I develop an English accent when I drink
53. I hope I never become my mother
54. My sense of smell is terrible.
55. I miss my dog Hank more then I ever thought it was possible to miss a dog
56. My first job was when I was 15
57. I was a cook who became a trainer by 16
58. The longest I’ve been away from home is just over two weeks
59. I’ve traveled to England, Scotland and Cuba
60. I’ve been to 7 States

61. Once I go on my trip next week I’ll have been to every Province in Canada
62. Except Manitoba
63. I was on the Dance Team (cheerleading) in High School
64. I dated the quarterback
65. I’m not making that up
66. My best friend in Grades 3-6 was a kid named Prince
67. In my earliest memory I’m in a stroller by water, I remember what my mom was wearing
68. We went to Niagara falls when I was one year old
69. I’m not sure if this is a memory or a dream
70. My nexy memory is sitting on my dad’s shoulders at the Olympic Games tourch lighting ceremony. I was barely 4.

71. I’ve served Mila Kunis before, and made fun of her for trying to go out the wrong door
72. She laughed at herself and for that I love her
73. I have two kittens
74. Sometimes I’m scared that makes me a crazy cat-lady
75. My first (and only) car was a 1987 Jetta with 395,000 km on her
76. I paid $1100 and sold it to my sisters for $550 after two years
77. She ran for two more years after that
78. I would walk to work but there’s a huge homeless shelter by the bridge where I would cross into downtown.
79. I was in Color Guard (flag twirling) for three years and sometimes miss it
80. I will never own a minivan

81. My first name is one of the most common names in the English language
82. My last name is the second most common last name in America
83. I don’t think this makes me common
84. My eyes change colors – they are usually green or blue, but can be grey
85. I have one whole closet for dresses and another for skirts
86. Clowns scare the shit out of me
87. Same with sharks
88. My porn name would be Chelsea Beddington (first pet, street I grew up on)
89. My signature is awful
90. So is my writing – it’s chicken scratch

91. I can’t imagine ever calling someone my Husband
92. I over-ennunciate double t’s (button, kitten – they sound like but-ton, kit-tin)
93. I saw a guy almost get curb stomped when I was 17. I went outside to help him, was locked out of my work and they fired me for walking out on shift.
94. I have insomnia
95. I hate smart cars but love mini-Coopers
96. My ex-boyfriend had a church picked out for us to get married in
97. I knew we were never getting married so I just played along
98. I can write with my left hand just as bad as I can write with my right
99. I can’t believe how long this took

Busy Work That Sounds Complicated and Time Consuming

Each week, on Monday, I have a meeting with my boss. He is the Vice-President of the company so it can be slightly intimidating. I have to bring with me a report detailing what I completed the previous week as well as any outstanding projects, the details of what I am working on, and anything else that I may happen to be doing.

Most weeks I have a nice, long task list (thank you Outlook) all check-marks and “waiting on someone else”‘s filled in nicely. Some weeks the list is longer then others. For last week my list currently looks like this:

– Proposal for Golf Tournament (In Progress)
– Fix Mr. W’s Chair (Waiting on Someone Else)
– Confirm Wine Sponsorship (Complete)
– Vacation Request (New Girl) (Complete)
– Vacation Request (Me) (Complete)

I have to meet with him in T minus one hour. Must find busy work.

Hell In A Handbasket

Sometimes I start to think about “Reasons Why I’m Going to Hell”. After the first ten or twenty I just try to stop thinking about it, while rocking back and forth and slowly chanting : “I’m a good person, I’m a good person”.

Here are my latest reasons:

1. Sometimes I pretend to be pregnant (by holding a hand protectively over my stomach and walking leaned back a bit with a discernable waddle) on the bus or train. My 4″ heels are pissing me off and I just want a seat.

2. I always hope that no one else makes it to the elevator in time before the door shuts. This could stem from my hatred of loud-breathers (especially when in close quarters) or from the fact that I don’t want to stop on every floor on the way up to my own.

3. I give people makeovers in my head. I imagine different hair colors, what kind of makeup I would put on them, the clothes that I would dress them in. This is fully, totally a narcissistic I’m-better-than-you attitude and I’m fully aware of that. I still do it.

4. I blog at work. I act like I’m sooo busy half the time and that my job is stressing me out when really it’s only certain people that stress me out. My job can be stressful for sure but mainly it’s the unrealistic expectations that are put on me, not the job itself.

5. I date like a guy.

I’ve lived with two boyfriends, (one for two years even!) and was the one to break up with both. In fact I think I’ve broken up with pretty much all of my boyfriends. There is one guy I can think of where I truly felt like I was acting like a girl sometimes and that’s pseudo-bf – only in the last few months and only because he was the only guy I can think of who didn’t want to seriously date/move in together/whatever.

With Pseudo-bf I always had the thrill of the chase. I guess that gets old though. One of these days I may actually want to settle and guess what? Karma is a bitch.

6. I’ve borrowed items from friends and ‘forgotten’ to return them. They will eventually get them back, it’s just that that black dress is so perfect for that party next weekend. Those cargo’s? Who knew they’d make my ass look so good?

7. I have, on occasion, tried to blame a minor slipup on someone entirely blameless. “I’m SURE I gave that report to you to file. No? Hm, that’s weird. I could have sworn I did.” Then I get back to my office and find said report on the bottom of one of my great heaping piles.

8. I may or may not have accidentally set a golf course on fire one time.

9. I return my really late books to the library by sneaking them in and putting them back on the shelf. I then go to the front and whine that I know I have returned that book and could they please check their system again. (ed note: This also works for late movies).

And the number one reason I’m going to hell:

10. I don’t believe in hell.

However, if I were to go there, it would be a really cold place where no one wore high heels and we were forced to listen to Al Gore talk about how great he is, watch him shine his Nobel Prize while he is spending his millions of dollars heating each of his homes and driving around all his SUVs to get to his private jets so he can fly off and talk about how global warming is bad. We’d also all be forced to eat things like pigs feet, calf’s liver, tripe and chicken claws. Oh, and water chestnuts. I hate water chestnuts.

Waiting (Part One)

I work part time in a restaurant. Mostly I do this for fun, also because the average age of people in my office hovers somewhere between Harrison Ford and the Crypt Keeper. Um also, there are some good looking eye-candy men in the restaurant biz. Oh ya plus there’s the fact that I can’t afford my lifestyle on a one person salary. Love buying shoes y’all.
Anyway usually I go in once a week, work a few hours, make some money, gossip, it’s all good. Occasionally I get asshole “guests” (not allowed to call them customers). I’m not going to bitch about money/tips because that isn’t why I work there (although $6 on $104? Really? Really?)
Instead, here are a few helpful pointers for my lovely guests.
  • When I am bringing over your food, please allow me to place it on the table before grabbing food off of it like a starving hyena. While I understand that the fries are delicious and that you have, apparently, not eaten in a week, today is not the day I want to go to emergency with 3rd degree burns because you couldn’t wait two more seconds to stuff your face.
  • On a similar note: if I say the plate is hot, it is advisable for you to NOT grab it immediately. I’m not sure if you think I’m playing a little joke on you but rest assured I’m not standing behind you with another server giggling over the fact that you actually believed me and now refuse to touch your plate. If I’m giggling over anything it’s the fact that I just won ten bucks by betting that you’d touch it in under five seconds.
  • If you are on medication or otherwise “intoxicated”, it might be best to go home, curl up in your bed (fetal position is highly recommended) and have a good sleep. Our booths may be comfortable and all but nothing beats waking up at home. You know, as opposed to at my table, in a plate of mashed potatoes.
  • I appreciate it when you are understanding! It’s nice to see your happy smiling face patiently waiting for me to grab your diet pepsi with three ice cubes and a lime and the water, no ice with a lemon. Can I offer you a peppermint tea with honey and milk or perhaps you’d like some hot fucking water with a side of kiss my ass?
  • If there is a sign that says “Seat Yourself” well by all means – go for it! Live a little, maybe grab a table that’s close to the kitchen so you can hear the profanities spewing from the mouths of the cooks! Maybe try a high table with stools (you rebel)! If however, there is no sign, or a sign that says “Please Wait to Be Seated” why not wait for the goddamn host/ess. She/he will be delighted to escort you to a table (usually of your choice). There IS a system, we KNOW there are empty tables – feel free to sit in one if you like waiting for an hour to be served – because there is no server in that section.
  • I don’t mind changing up the food a bit. You’re on a low-carb diet? Aren’t we all – so no potatoes for you, great! And your friend has an allergy to shellfish? Ok, super I will let the cooks know and we’ll keep those pesky shrimps away from ya. No worries. Oh, little Billy wants the pasta but with tomato sauce instead? Consider it done. Now Grandma, as for your request for something that fits in with your gluten-free, low-sodium, no butter, allergic to nuts and garlic, hate cilantro, can’t digest sugar and vegetarian diet…here is your water. Enjoy!

Things I Hate About Monday

  • Not having quite recovered from the weekend
  • Feeling like pulling on old comfy lulus and curling up in the fetal position upon waking at 6:30 am…The feeling doesn’t go away all day.
  • Trying to tell my coworkers about my weekend while having to omit all the funny/interesting stories for fear of reprimand and looking unprofessional. Basically I tell them what I did between 10 and 5 – which is…nothing.
  • Realizing that the piles of papers on my desk aren’t going to miraculously disappear. Apparently just because you ignore something, it doesn’t actually go away.
  • It’s Monday, ’nuff said.
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