Category Archives: les incompetants

Taxi Man

After working at my “real” job all day, I went and played server at the restaurant/lounge that I also work at last night. By the time I was done there, after eating butternut squash ravioli (who knew that stuff was so tasty? Seriously I don’t get it), it was almost eleven and I was exhausted.

Instead of waiting ten minutes to catch the bus and endure a ten minute bus ride, with a two block walk tacked on (I know, life is tough) I decided to take a cab. Well this particular cab driver was like the East Indian spokesperson for happiness.

” I am not one to ever complain! There is no need for worry! You only make it worse! Life is always as good as we make it!”

This life lesson was taught to me after I innocently asked how his day was. I learnt my lesson – keep your mouth shut.

Anyhow, after the five minute cab ride, him and I were pretty much best friends. Reminiscing about how great life was and how happy everyone should be and how fantastic the stop signs looked (actually, now that I think about it, maybe he was on mushrooms?) He dropped me off at my house and said “if you don’t have enough that’s ok!”

I hadn’t even mentioned the possibility of not having enough money but apparently this was happy-times cab company where “If You Don’t Pay, We Do!!” I did pay though, and tipped him well.

As I’m walking up my front steps I hear a crashing noise. He hit my neighbors car. He backed right up into it.

Hard.

He got out and looked at the front of her car, the back of his car, he was still smiling (probably trying not to cry) but he was saying “it’s ok! it’s ok!” So I was like ok, dude’s going to leave a little note, with smiley faces and candy or something. It’s eleven at night, I’m tired, I went inside.

This morning I came outside and saw her car, with a scratch on the front of it and no note. Mr. Happy Cab Driver Man totally hit and ran! I didn’t get his license or anything because I was so sure he’d leave a note.

Not sure if I should tell her or just leave it for now and see if she notices. I’m still in shock that the super nice man could hit a car and run. Maybe it is better to be a jerk after all.

Making Fun (Out of Nothing At All)

It’s a two post kind of day.

My sisters like to make fun of people, and while I’m far too mature for that sort of thing I love listening to them. We’re driving home after spending the last few days together in a hotel room with my parents, since we’re all too cheap to spring for our own hotel room when we can mooch for free off mum and dad. So we’re driving along the highway, feeling nauseous from the (ridiculous) amount of booze we’ve all consumed the night before.

Storelady – there are a couple stories to this nickname. Firstly, when the twins were born my parents told my older sister Dizzy (nicknamed such because I couldn’t pronounce her name as a wee child) and I that we could help name them. Dizzy (being 5) thought Twinkle and Star were great names. I (being a few months shy of 4 years old) went with Shopkeeper and Storelady.

Needless to say our parents promptly had both our tubes tied and did not go with those names. However, they like to tell us the story of what the twins would have been called had we been left in charge. Also, she really does work in a store so I wasn’t too far off the mark. Psychic 3 year old? I think so.

Anyway, Storelady (SL) was doing her usual thing, peering into cars we passed and making fun of their hair, make-up, clothes, choice of music, color of seats, number of passengers, whatever she could think of really, while Shopkeeper (SK) and I giggled beside her. We passed a trucker who had pulled to the side to let us by and when mum went to wave she realized we were already way passed him so tried to nonchalantly run her hand through her hair instead. Of course we made fun of her after that for about an hour.

When we got sick of listening to each other talk we put on a movie and made fun of it for two hours. Must Love Dogs? I’m sorry but most predictable movie ever. And what was with the 15 year old guy randomly showing up at Dolly’s? I guess that’s what we get for watching a romantic comedy starring Diane Lane. At least it kept us vaguely amused.

I was reminiscing about car games and music when really I should have been thinking about how many things we can possibly make fun of. Who knew that the gas pump you chose to go to can result in a five minute tirade about your poor driving skills, how you must have grown up in a trailer and where did you get that haircut anyway? Driving like an idiot? You must have taken lessons at the ABC Dirvers Ed [sic] School for Les Incompetents.

I’m pretty sure one of these days we’ll all be struck down by lightning, spontaneously combust while walking Grandma to church or perish in a fire of epic magnitude started by a stray BBQ spark landing on the pile of stickman drawings SK and SL keep for handy reference to former victims. At least there’s never a dull moment when SL and SK are around.

I Need Another Vacation

[Aside: Surviving Myself put on a writing contest, which I entered yesterday. Check it out here – he announces the winner tomorrow. The criteria was that it was supposed to be humorous and start with the sentence “He was confused.” Great idea – check it out!]

I hate traveling to places that I know nothing about. I watch the Amazing Race, I know what those people look like. I don’t want to be one of them. “Why isn’t anyone speaking English??” Well you fucktard, you are in China. There’s your first clue.

Anyway, to prevent this from happening, I always like to do a bit of research. I went to Cuba with ten girls, so before we left I read up on the history of the last one hundred years. Che Guevera? Check. Fidel Castro and his little band of governement-over-throwing militants hiding out in the mountain ranges? Check. Cuban Trade Embargo? Check. I was an expert on the topic (Side note: did you know that JFK was going to end the embargo, but the week before he was to sit down with Castro, he was shot? Um…Conspiracy?)

What else I learnt was to bring shampoo, soap, toys, crayons, clothes you never wear, spices, first aid supplies, cream, toothpaste, gum etc. They have none of this stuff, or what they have is really poor quality. We left gifts on the pillows in the morning and in return we got little animals shaped out of our towels.

The first night we were there, we all decided to go party in Veradero. At one peso per beer how could you go wrong? Well in this outdoor/indoor bar – walls but no roof? Check. Bathrooms but no toilets? Check. Trees growing out of the dance floor? Check. We all drank copious amounts of alcohol and by the time we decided to leave, we were all stumbly, hooker-drunk losers. I grabbed one of the girls and we headed back to the resort.

In the condition I was in, I never should have tried to speak to the cab driver in Spanish but I did. I was trying to say “¡Es tan oscuro aquí! La noche es tan negra” (It’s so dark here! The night is so black) because it is literally BLACK out. You can’t see ten feet in front of you. I ended up saying something along the lines of: “¡La noche es tan oscura como un asno del negro!”. I still go red thinking about it.

Not sure where I came up with that, but I didn’t realize what I’d said until I told my dad about the cab driver giving me a very strange look. After I told him the sentence, he laughed for about five minutes before letting me in on what it meant. The night is as dark as a black man’s ass. Nice one Alice. Way to not be an ignorant tourist.

Ad Sense – Non Sense

I don’t get the Verizon commercials. “Can you hear me now“? Basically they’re saying that the reception is so crappy that this poor guy has to stand on top of fences in the Artic to get a signal. They really should have him saying: “Can you still hear me?” Then at least we know that he could hear them in the first place. Although if I had someone asking me every five minutes if I could still hear them I’d just say no and hang up.

Speaking of advertisements, there are a few slogans that really make no sense to me. If we took them literally we’d all be a bunch of lunatics. AT&T’s – “Reach out and touch somebody“? Sorry but that’s creepy. Especially when you consider the Yellow Pages ads that say “Let your fingers do the talking“. Put the two of those together and we have a serial rapist on our hands.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there well it’s rather unfortunate that my neighbor is a fat creepy dude who wears sweatpant shorts and no shirt while smoking (who knows what) in his garage year round. If my house burnt down in the middle of the night I’m not so sure I’d want him there while I run screaming out of my house in my little booty shorts and tank top.
Just saying.

How do they come up with this stuff anyway? There must be men in suits sitting around a table discussing their options:

Exec #1: “How can we possibly improve on what we have? I love: “It’s what I eat and what I do” it really speaks to the people.
Exec #2: “Yes but how can you DO a burger? Wait, wait, I think I got it – by eating it. Yes I do see the logic there Stanley”
CEO: “Okay, how about: McDonalds, it’s what I eat and what I do ALWAYS”
Exec #1: “Isn’t that sort of like Coca-Cola’s slogan?”
CEO: “Dammit”
Exec #2: “We have to appeal to the kids here fellas. We need some slang in there”
Exec #1: “McDonalds: it’s what I eat and what I do – in the hizzle!”
CEO: “I’m loving that”
Exec #2: “I’m loving it!”
*a look of inspiration crosses over their faces and thus a slogan is born*

Sometimes I think maybe they don’t really put that much thought into these slogans either. Toshiba’s “Choose Freedom” slogan – what exactly does that mean? If we choose a Sony are we relegated to the first twelve channels forever? Where does this freedom come into play with a Toshiba that it doesn’t with a Samsung? Oh and there’s another gooder: “Digitally Yours”. Now they’re playing with our emotions and getting all Hallmark on our asses. You can certainly tell what market they’re aiming for.

Good thing I don’t believe everything I hear…

I’m richer then I think, am I, Scotiabank? Well I think I’ll just go on a little shopping spree here and take care of that problem. Oh nevermind, I lost my American Express and I just don’t feel right leaving home without it.

Hi, It’s Me! Every Girl Ever! (My Version)

Hi there! Thanks for coming to pick me up! I know you told me 7:30 but I still have to put some more eyeliner on. Why don’t you have a seat on my lovely couch – just knock a few of those cushions off, there ya go! Watch out for the candles though! Isn’t my home lovely? I opened an Ikea catalogue and just picked a million things. Gosh Ikea makes life easy!

Excuse me while I go freshen up. Don’t worry my roommate is around here somewhere, she’ll make awkward small talk with you to prepare you for the evening, while making judgements about you in her head – which her and I will discuss at length when I get home!

Sorry that took so long, I have no idea what I do in the bathroom for half an hour! Gosh, I look pretty! I see you met Snookie and Sugar-Pie, my kitties! That’s great that you’re pretending to like them and pet them when really you are severly allergic and will probably have to take several anti-histamines later. Well, let’s head out, shall we?

What a gentleman you are! Thanks for getting the car door for me, I love men who believe in gallantry. Well except when it’s sexist, I get to decide when it’s ok and when it’s sexist! Fun, no? Don’t worry I won’t reach across and get the lock for you. I know it’s raining out and all but I’m too busy wondering why you’re taking so long and making me wait while you fumble with the lock!

What a cozy resturant you’ve chosen! I never choose, I always tell you I don’t care where we go and then if it’s somewhere I don’t like you get to hear me complain about it endlessly! This is fun because it takes the pressure off me and lets me judge you yet again!

I know you told me we were going for dinner and all but I’m actually not that hungry, weird no? I guess I’ll just order a salad and the most expensive martini I can find. Are you going to eat that pasta? I should have ordered pasta.

Let me tell you all about myself! I have all these friends who are the BEST ever! I can gossip with them and giggle endlessly about other people! Did you know that Jennifer Aniston is dating John Meyer? I’m glad my friends and I can talk about all that important stuff together! I know if I ever had a real problem they would probably start acting really busy and not return my phone calls but they are seriously the BEST EVAR!!

I have this heinously boring job but I still love to talk about it! Especially about the clothes other people wear there and who’s dating whom! It doesn’t matter that you’ve never met any of these people, I’ll still tell you all about them! It’s almost like you DO know them! How lucky are you?

Well, dinner was nice but I’m awfully tired and there’s a rerun of The Bachelor that I’m dying to watch! I’m going to pretend to offer to pay for the bill, but if you actually wanted me to pay any of it I’d be shocked! I don’t even think I brought any money! Then I’d have to tell all my (BEST EVAR) friends about how you made me pay on the first date!

Well here we are, back at my place! Why don’t you walk me to the door so we can have an incredibly awkward goodbye? How about you pretend you had lots of fun and say that we should do it again sometime? Ok, well awfully nice spending time with you! What was your name again?

Waiting (Part One)

I work part time in a restaurant. Mostly I do this for fun, also because the average age of people in my office hovers somewhere between Harrison Ford and the Crypt Keeper. Um also, there are some good looking eye-candy men in the restaurant biz. Oh ya plus there’s the fact that I can’t afford my lifestyle on a one person salary. Love buying shoes y’all.
Anyway usually I go in once a week, work a few hours, make some money, gossip, it’s all good. Occasionally I get asshole “guests” (not allowed to call them customers). I’m not going to bitch about money/tips because that isn’t why I work there (although $6 on $104? Really? Really?)
Instead, here are a few helpful pointers for my lovely guests.
  • When I am bringing over your food, please allow me to place it on the table before grabbing food off of it like a starving hyena. While I understand that the fries are delicious and that you have, apparently, not eaten in a week, today is not the day I want to go to emergency with 3rd degree burns because you couldn’t wait two more seconds to stuff your face.
  • On a similar note: if I say the plate is hot, it is advisable for you to NOT grab it immediately. I’m not sure if you think I’m playing a little joke on you but rest assured I’m not standing behind you with another server giggling over the fact that you actually believed me and now refuse to touch your plate. If I’m giggling over anything it’s the fact that I just won ten bucks by betting that you’d touch it in under five seconds.
  • If you are on medication or otherwise “intoxicated”, it might be best to go home, curl up in your bed (fetal position is highly recommended) and have a good sleep. Our booths may be comfortable and all but nothing beats waking up at home. You know, as opposed to at my table, in a plate of mashed potatoes.
  • I appreciate it when you are understanding! It’s nice to see your happy smiling face patiently waiting for me to grab your diet pepsi with three ice cubes and a lime and the water, no ice with a lemon. Can I offer you a peppermint tea with honey and milk or perhaps you’d like some hot fucking water with a side of kiss my ass?
  • If there is a sign that says “Seat Yourself” well by all means – go for it! Live a little, maybe grab a table that’s close to the kitchen so you can hear the profanities spewing from the mouths of the cooks! Maybe try a high table with stools (you rebel)! If however, there is no sign, or a sign that says “Please Wait to Be Seated” why not wait for the goddamn host/ess. She/he will be delighted to escort you to a table (usually of your choice). There IS a system, we KNOW there are empty tables – feel free to sit in one if you like waiting for an hour to be served – because there is no server in that section.
  • I don’t mind changing up the food a bit. You’re on a low-carb diet? Aren’t we all – so no potatoes for you, great! And your friend has an allergy to shellfish? Ok, super I will let the cooks know and we’ll keep those pesky shrimps away from ya. No worries. Oh, little Billy wants the pasta but with tomato sauce instead? Consider it done. Now Grandma, as for your request for something that fits in with your gluten-free, low-sodium, no butter, allergic to nuts and garlic, hate cilantro, can’t digest sugar and vegetarian diet…here is your water. Enjoy!

A Rant

Every office has a few “stereotypical” charactors. At least all of the offices I’ve worked in do (that would be two offices total…yup, expert over here). One such person is the bitter, practically retired, single older woman (usually an AA or EA or secretary).

I was lucky enough to have this stereotype as my assistant in my first office job ever (I kid you not. Can we say awkward?) That lasted all of three months. And me thinking “wow is this what working in an office is like? No thanks”. She could complain about anything and everything and she DID. Things you wouldn’t even think made a difference in anyone’s life, she would complain about. For example there was a paperclip on the floor one time and she went on and on about how the cleaners must not be doing their jobs and I should write them a letter etc.

No, really.

Then they fired her and all was good in the world.

Anyway, now at my job the Presidents assistant is this exact woman reincarnate. Only worse I think. She treats everyone in a “lower position” as if they are the dumbest person she’s ever been unfortunate enough to encounter. It’s not what she says it’s how she says it.

“Oh. Well it would have been REALLY great if you could have let me KNOW

Look, just because you are unhappy with the way your life turned out; stuck in the same job you started in, only with a glorified title and extra “busy” work; never got married because you were above all that; can’t believe you never took that trip/bought that house/took that job/risk; just because you have to point out flaws in others to be able to ignore the flaws in yourself; just because you are going to be alone, miserable and bitter for the rest of your life; it does not make it okay to make everyone else’s lives miserable.

Thank you. I’m done.

TGIF. Or not.

I get a little perplexed whenever the New Girl comes to my office, or calls me for that matter. It’s not as though she’s not an intelligent girl I just think she actually is so new to her position and the office environment that she really, honestly doesn’t Get It. She called me to ask how many bottles of water get delivered each month. She lets the delivery person in, makes sure we have an adequate supply and signs the invoices. My office is on the opposite side of the building, yet I’m supposed to know these things?

Also, I received an email this morning from a service provider with NO punctuation. It reads something like this:

“All of the phone stuff has been completed will take up to 24 hrs to go through have faxed the invoice from may you were missing the invoice for the cases will be dropped off next time I am downtown did charge cc for may also.”

I can hardly make sense of it.

I’m so glad its Friday.

In other news, turning cell phone off early tonight so as to avoid inevitable calling of pseudo-bf. Have to tell myself to step away from the phone. At least he does the whole drunk dialing thing too (case in point – last night) so I’m not a complete and utter moron.

%d bloggers like this: