Category Archives: I need a beer now

Buckle up, Alice

Bahaha. I’m so awesome. I plug an awesome blogger on the same day that I take over for her while she’s on vacation. I’m SHAMELESS.

Ahem.

Hi everyone. If you didn’t guess by the blatant guest-postery, it’s Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, taking over yet another unsuspecting blog with my propaganda of wiener dogs, suburbs, common-law marriage and other genuinely un-20-something characteristics. Would it help to know that I’m listening to Girlicious as I write this?

By the way, who exactly is it that wants to be like them? I think that’s a crucial missing detail in their shiteous song. I think it would be more accurate if it was the Pussycat Dolls singing the song to Girlicious. And even then, I think I’d be embarrassed for everyone involved.

Back to business.

It just so happens that Alice is visiting my neck of the woods this week. For that reason, I think there’s no better time than the present to describe the dream date that I would have taken her on. Why aren’t we doing said date? Because the lure of the swimming pool has left me hungover with a taste of heatstroke. I suck. However, one day our paths will cross and at least we’ll have a plan. So without further ado…

10:30am – Meet for brunch. This is important because I don’t do meal-skipping. I needs my breakfast and Alice does too. I’ve decided that. We will eat many things covered in Hollandaise sauce.

12:00pm – What’s that? It’s now socially appropriate to drink? OKAY! We’ll grab a quick beer on a nice patio before strolling the shops. Spending is better when a little looped.

1:30pm – My credit card craves abuse because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel validated. Therefore, we will go and buy clothes that are part slutty and flashy, part old time class. During this activity, we will make blatant passes at each other by commenting on each other’s assets and maybe flashing some boob. Depends how the beer went down.

4:00pm – Beer makes us sleepy so we put on an awesome show like this and fall asleep for a bit. Growing drunks need their rest in order to make it through the sort of night that we deserve.

7:00pm – Time to run out and grab a light dinner and about 18 martinis each before heading home to get ready for the late shift.

9:00pm – Drink copious amounts of alcohol while showering and getting our hurr did. In Halifax, it’s not cool to get to the bars before midnight since they’re open until four. Must. Get. Soused. Beforehand.

12:30am – Stumble to a bar. Any bar. Or restaurant. Or video store. Whatever establishment that we can make it to without getting turned away.

1:00am – 4:00am – This time slot is appropriately foggy. We will do what we please, we will make poor choices and we will pay for them in the morning

9:00am – Wake up. Realize we are still drunk. Realize that we (hopefully) did not sleep together. Vomit. Never want to see each other again.

10:00am – Blog about it.

99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall

Just kidding. Actually 99 comments about me – ha tricked you. These memes spread around the internet like a bad case of herpes. After seeing this one several times, with variations, I’ve decided to suck it up and get it done. Partially because I have no witty thoughts today and partially because hey, it’s all about me here.

1. I don’t like using Decimal Tabs in Word because I don’t get it
2. I’m outgoing but somehow still shy, especially in business settings. Maybe this is because I feel out of place.
3. I keep diet pills on my desk to remind myself not to eat junk food
4. I never take the pills, I just look at them
5. I was an aspiring anorexic in Junior High and jealous of the girls in magazines who weighed 90 pounds
6. I like golfing 3/4 because I’m decent at it and 1/4 because guys like it that I play
7. I’ve called in sick with a bad hair day
8. If I could throw out all the papers on my desk and start over, I would
9. I’m a firm believer that ranch dressing tastes good on everything
10. I use the handicap button on doors, partially because I’m too lazy to hold it for the next person but don’t want to let it go in their face and partially just because it’s there

11. Sometimes I think that I never want children but part of me knows that’s probably not true
12. I actually like rain. It’s refreshing, peaceful and smells good
13. I hate loud-breathers, low-talkers and whistle-nosers
14. I get random bruises super easily. If someone touches my arm I just might bruise
15. For some reason I kind of like that people assume I’m dumb on first appearances
16. It’s sort of satisfying to prove them wrong
17. I’m blonde now but my natural hair color is a dark red-brown
18. I’ve dyed my hair every hair color possible since I was in Grade six
19. I’m fully fluent in French, pretty rusty at Spanish and trying to get better at Sign Language
20. I’ve had a poem published but now I hate it

21. I’m the only daughter (out of 4) that loved to cook growing up. My older sister is learning now. Next time I visit I’m making her cook me dinner
22. I hate corn, water chesnuts and milk
23. The thought of drinking a glass of milk makes me want to Vom – I’ve hated it since I was 12.
24. I was a pseudo-vegetarian for a stretch in my teens
25. I didn’t eat a hamburger again until last year, now I eat them all the time.
26. Post Secrets make me cry
27. I’ve lived with two boyfriends. Both times I felt like I was playing house.
28. I had mono when I was 16 and didn’t get out of bed for over a month. I woke up one day and it was a week later then when I’d fallen asleep. My mother had changed my sheets and bathed me in the meantime and I remember nothing.
29. I failed CALM (Career and Life Management) 4 times in High School yet was the only one of my friends to move out at 18, get a job and start real life.
30. I think I could have been on the honor roll if I’d gone to class.

31. I have better than 20/20 vision
32. I spend more than I can afford, and live paycheck to paycheck but have still managed to save up a good amount of money somehow.
33. I have no credit card debt, I cut up 4 credit cards over a year ago when I realized I was getting stupid with them.
34. The only time I like smoking weed is when I’m meticulously cleaning my house – I get super detailed and end up cleaning window sills with toothpicks.
35. I’m very stubborn. When I think my way is right, it is.
36. I hate wearing a wet bikini. My friends joke around when we’re on vacation about how often I change into new bikinis but the feeling of wet lycra drives me nuts.
37. I’ve been in 7 car accidents. Only one was my fault and I was in my driving instructors car when it happened so it wasn’t even technically my fault. He got fired, I still feel bad.
38. I have over 70 pairs of shoes and still have trouble deciding which to wear
39. I believe in astrology, but mostly only the ones that you put in your actual birth time, not just the 12 signs.
40. I saw a psychic once – it creeped me out and made me want to learn more at the same time. He predicted a lot but I sometimes wonder if those things happened because I knew they were supposed to or if they were supposed to and he just knew.

41. My parents were going to name me Courtney Dawn but changed thier minds when I was born
42. My real name isn’t Alice either
43. I have a scar in my eyebrow from falling on a brick fireplace when I was 8.
44. I have another scar above my eyebrow from falling on the same fireplace when I was 4.
45. I suffer from middle-child syndrome
46. I love poker and have a secret dream that I enter a tournament in Vegas and win.
47. I went from $15,000 in fake money to $485,000 in a few months.
48.I usually win in live games with friends
49. I think it’s because I can read people scarily accurately
50. My least favorite chore is vaccuming

51. I had no idea what Craigslist was until this year
52. Sometimes I develop an English accent when I drink
53. I hope I never become my mother
54. My sense of smell is terrible.
55. I miss my dog Hank more then I ever thought it was possible to miss a dog
56. My first job was when I was 15
57. I was a cook who became a trainer by 16
58. The longest I’ve been away from home is just over two weeks
59. I’ve traveled to England, Scotland and Cuba
60. I’ve been to 7 States

61. Once I go on my trip next week I’ll have been to every Province in Canada
62. Except Manitoba
63. I was on the Dance Team (cheerleading) in High School
64. I dated the quarterback
65. I’m not making that up
66. My best friend in Grades 3-6 was a kid named Prince
67. In my earliest memory I’m in a stroller by water, I remember what my mom was wearing
68. We went to Niagara falls when I was one year old
69. I’m not sure if this is a memory or a dream
70. My nexy memory is sitting on my dad’s shoulders at the Olympic Games tourch lighting ceremony. I was barely 4.

71. I’ve served Mila Kunis before, and made fun of her for trying to go out the wrong door
72. She laughed at herself and for that I love her
73. I have two kittens
74. Sometimes I’m scared that makes me a crazy cat-lady
75. My first (and only) car was a 1987 Jetta with 395,000 km on her
76. I paid $1100 and sold it to my sisters for $550 after two years
77. She ran for two more years after that
78. I would walk to work but there’s a huge homeless shelter by the bridge where I would cross into downtown.
79. I was in Color Guard (flag twirling) for three years and sometimes miss it
80. I will never own a minivan

81. My first name is one of the most common names in the English language
82. My last name is the second most common last name in America
83. I don’t think this makes me common
84. My eyes change colors – they are usually green or blue, but can be grey
85. I have one whole closet for dresses and another for skirts
86. Clowns scare the shit out of me
87. Same with sharks
88. My porn name would be Chelsea Beddington (first pet, street I grew up on)
89. My signature is awful
90. So is my writing – it’s chicken scratch

91. I can’t imagine ever calling someone my Husband
92. I over-ennunciate double t’s (button, kitten – they sound like but-ton, kit-tin)
93. I saw a guy almost get curb stomped when I was 17. I went outside to help him, was locked out of my work and they fired me for walking out on shift.
94. I have insomnia
95. I hate smart cars but love mini-Coopers
96. My ex-boyfriend had a church picked out for us to get married in
97. I knew we were never getting married so I just played along
98. I can write with my left hand just as bad as I can write with my right
99. I can’t believe how long this took

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