Bahaha. I’m so awesome. I plug an awesome blogger on the same day that I take over for her while she’s on vacation. I’m SHAMELESS.
Hi everyone. If you didn’t guess by the blatant guest-postery, it’s Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, taking over yet another unsuspecting blog with my propaganda of wiener dogs, suburbs, common-law marriage and other genuinely un-20-something characteristics. Would it help to know that I’m listening to Girlicious as I write this?
By the way, who exactly is it that wants to be like them? I think that’s a crucial missing detail in their shiteous song. I think it would be more accurate if it was the Pussycat Dolls singing the song to Girlicious. And even then, I think I’d be embarrassed for everyone involved.
Back to business.
It just so happens that Alice is visiting my neck of the woods this week. For that reason, I think there’s no better time than the present to describe the dream date that I would have taken her on. Why aren’t we doing said date? Because the lure of the swimming pool has left me hungover with a taste of heatstroke. I suck. However, one day our paths will cross and at least we’ll have a plan. So without further ado…
10:30am – Meet for brunch. This is important because I don’t do meal-skipping. I needs my breakfast and Alice does too. I’ve decided that. We will eat many things covered in Hollandaise sauce.
12:00pm – What’s that? It’s now socially appropriate to drink? OKAY! We’ll grab a quick beer on a nice patio before strolling the shops. Spending is better when a little looped.
1:30pm – My credit card craves abuse because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel validated. Therefore, we will go and buy clothes that are part slutty and flashy, part old time class. During this activity, we will make blatant passes at each other by commenting on each other’s assets and maybe flashing some boob. Depends how the beer went down.
4:00pm – Beer makes us sleepy so we put on an awesome show like this and fall asleep for a bit. Growing drunks need their rest in order to make it through the sort of night that we deserve.
7:00pm – Time to run out and grab a light dinner and about 18 martinis each before heading home to get ready for the late shift.
9:00pm – Drink copious amounts of alcohol while showering and getting our hurr did. In Halifax, it’s not cool to get to the bars before midnight since they’re open until four. Must. Get. Soused. Beforehand.
12:30am – Stumble to a bar. Any bar. Or restaurant. Or video store. Whatever establishment that we can make it to without getting turned away.
1:00am – 4:00am – This time slot is appropriately foggy. We will do what we please, we will make poor choices and we will pay for them in the morning
9:00am – Wake up. Realize we are still drunk. Realize that we (hopefully) did not sleep together. Vomit. Never want to see each other again.
10:00am – Blog about it.
Okay so really just of men, but hey, semantics right?
So I figured out the perfect places to meet men. I haven’t actually tried any of these out but figure in theory they should be fabulous:
1. The Drycleaners
Any man who goes to the drycleaners will probably be bathed and we know he has clean clothes.
He also most likely has a job as dry-cleaning is not cheap. That’s already twice as good as my last boyfriend.
· The problem:
His wife/girlfriend probably sent him.
2. The Farmers Market
Enjoys healthy food
Perhaps a masterful chef
Likes the environment
Cares about quality
May use more than one kind of lettuce when preparing a homemade salad
Frequently says things like “dude…that’s awesome”
Grooming is infrequent at best
Insists on keeping the compost right beside your $650 Prada shoes
3. A Football Game or Other Sporting Event
A man who doesn’t stand for something (even if it’s grown men running around in tights touching each others butts) is a man who will fall for anything.
Men need instant replays in their lives; it helps them remember other important stuff.
Society dictates that men who like sports are hot and masculine. I listen to society dammit.
Also, you get to wear tight fun colored clothing and pretend to care. Men love this, even if you root for the other team:
Men can take their sports very seriously, if you meet an avid fan, be prepared to deal with the consequences. I like watching sports so this is not such a con for me but for some: beware.
Often smell like beer
Will feed you romantic lines such as “Hey, grab me two more”, and “Let’s get huddled before I touchdown”
I’m prepared to test my theories out for the good of all woman-kind. I’ll let you know how it goes.