Category Archives: I also like to drink

Not Even I Can Keep Track

So, I realize that occasionally I’ll mention a friend of mine here on this blog o’ mine. Sometimes it doesn’t really matter if you have a clue who I’m talking about or not. Sometimes it makes it funnier if you DO know who the hell I’m rambling on about.

To make matters less complicated, here is my very own cast and crew:

The Women:

Blondie: The name basically speaks for itself – she’s blonde. She’s hilarious. She’s one of my best friends. We’ve been to Cuba, PEI, Halifax, Shuswaps, the Badlands and Kananaskis together, we figured out that since we got our passports the same day that means we are destined to be travel-buddies. Also, she thinks I’m psychic and smart so having her around is good for the ego.

PartyGirl (nickname given to her by some of my less crazy friends): I’ve known her since Elementary although we only really became good friends after High School when we randomly ran into each other while each working our respective downtown office jobs. She has a new boyfriend that she now lives with but she’s still awesome fun to party with.

Boobie McGee: (kinda self-explanatory) she’s younger then the rest of us, kind of crazy, gets angry when drunk, but is always amusing. Prime example: she broke her wrist before houseboating and cut off her own cast with a jigsaw so she could go in the water.


Frenchie: I know her because my crazy ex and her husband worked together. Then I worked with them (the boys), then they introduced us (the girls). Frenchie was sure she was going to hate me but miraculously we got along just peachy. We’re still friends even though douche ex and I broke up and her hubby PA isn’t friends with him anymore. Ha ha I win.

Hiker: She is my manager at The Restaurant, and a really big sweetheart. She likes to go out of town to Banff, Kananaskis, Drumheller etc. to go hiking (hence the name) and usually Blondie and I tag along. She is our ‘responsible’ friend.

The Men:

(Ex)Pseudo-bf: Not my boyfriend, never was my boyfriend for the 2 years we ‘hung out’. Complicated story, I wrote about it here. Sometimes I mention him, or possibly his new ex(!) girlfriend T-Bone.

O/N: So called because he was my Old/New guy. I used to date him in High School and ran into him at the bar one night last year. We had a brief fling where we’d hang out, go for drinks, all that fun stuff. I haven’t talked to him in a while but every now and then…

Brown Paper Bag Boys (BPBBs): Blondie and I work with one of these guys, who she is now dating (that would be Hyper). They are wicked fun although sometimes do stupid things. There are about 5 main guys in this group. In the spirit of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs I’ll call them: Hyper, Grumpy, Shy, Cocky, and Sleepy


The Co-workers:

This section needs some major updating…someday

The Fam:

Dizzy: Writes a great blog about attachment parenting, and lives too far away from me. Her husband is great and helps me with technologically advanced things so I’ll call him Techie. They have an adorable 2 year old daughter (who calls herself MeMe so that will be her pseudonym) and another bun in the oven! Dizzy reads my blog so…

Must. Always. Say. Nice. Things…

Just kidding. She’s great, I wish they lived closer though.

SK & SL : My younger twin sisters – get the lowdown here. People seem to think we’re triplets a lot which is funny because they are ten times skinnier then me and 4 years younger (victory is mine!!) well, either that or I just look like the slightly chunky oldest triplet.

So, there you have it – I’m sure the list will grow so if you’re ever confused, pop on by.

Buckle up, Alice

Bahaha. I’m so awesome. I plug an awesome blogger on the same day that I take over for her while she’s on vacation. I’m SHAMELESS.

Ahem.

Hi everyone. If you didn’t guess by the blatant guest-postery, it’s Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, taking over yet another unsuspecting blog with my propaganda of wiener dogs, suburbs, common-law marriage and other genuinely un-20-something characteristics. Would it help to know that I’m listening to Girlicious as I write this?

By the way, who exactly is it that wants to be like them? I think that’s a crucial missing detail in their shiteous song. I think it would be more accurate if it was the Pussycat Dolls singing the song to Girlicious. And even then, I think I’d be embarrassed for everyone involved.

Back to business.

It just so happens that Alice is visiting my neck of the woods this week. For that reason, I think there’s no better time than the present to describe the dream date that I would have taken her on. Why aren’t we doing said date? Because the lure of the swimming pool has left me hungover with a taste of heatstroke. I suck. However, one day our paths will cross and at least we’ll have a plan. So without further ado…

10:30am – Meet for brunch. This is important because I don’t do meal-skipping. I needs my breakfast and Alice does too. I’ve decided that. We will eat many things covered in Hollandaise sauce.

12:00pm – What’s that? It’s now socially appropriate to drink? OKAY! We’ll grab a quick beer on a nice patio before strolling the shops. Spending is better when a little looped.

1:30pm – My credit card craves abuse because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel validated. Therefore, we will go and buy clothes that are part slutty and flashy, part old time class. During this activity, we will make blatant passes at each other by commenting on each other’s assets and maybe flashing some boob. Depends how the beer went down.

4:00pm – Beer makes us sleepy so we put on an awesome show like this and fall asleep for a bit. Growing drunks need their rest in order to make it through the sort of night that we deserve.

7:00pm – Time to run out and grab a light dinner and about 18 martinis each before heading home to get ready for the late shift.

9:00pm – Drink copious amounts of alcohol while showering and getting our hurr did. In Halifax, it’s not cool to get to the bars before midnight since they’re open until four. Must. Get. Soused. Beforehand.

12:30am – Stumble to a bar. Any bar. Or restaurant. Or video store. Whatever establishment that we can make it to without getting turned away.

1:00am – 4:00am – This time slot is appropriately foggy. We will do what we please, we will make poor choices and we will pay for them in the morning

9:00am – Wake up. Realize we are still drunk. Realize that we (hopefully) did not sleep together. Vomit. Never want to see each other again.

10:00am – Blog about it.

A Few Observations

While outside yesterday, picketing for the fair treatment of the Goji berry, I realized a few things about my fine city.

1. People in Calgary really like to drink

It doesn’t matter if it’s Monday or Thursday, if it’s nice outside there are a lot of people sitting on the patios, drinking beer and eating dry ribs, nachos or some other deep-fried goodness that goes with beer. I don’t just mean the young 20-something trendy crowd, I’m talking about the business men, the retirees and the underagers. They all come together in the spirit of comraderie and getting wasted on a weeknight.

2. Construction workers aren’t just looking at your boobs

Ok, Ben – remember how we were saying people don’t compliment shoes enough? I swear this happened to me yesterday: I was walking along, minding my business when I passed 4 young construction/landscaper type guys. As I get closer one says: “Hey! Those are hot shoes!” another guy with him is all “Whew, those are sexy!” I’m not kidding. Of course, as I walk away they yell: “Not as sexy as your ass!” Some things never change.

3. Bums don’t want money, they just want love (or possibly beer)

There’s this one bum (is that PC?) that hangs out around my work. He’s the scruffiest looking guy: tall, unshaven, unkempt, wears 50 layers of clothing in the summer and somehow it’s all clothing that you’d either find on a young skater-boy or your Grandma, always seems drunk and/or high, looks about 62 but may actually be 26 – you know the type.

Anyway, he has these stories about why he needs money. Yesterday he told me his Porsche ran out of gas and he needed some change to go get a jerrycan. Last week he told me he was saving up money for tap-dancing lessons. Before that it was that his canoe oar snapped and he needed to buy some new wood.

Here’s the thing though, I really think he just wants to talk to people. I mean sure, change is great and all but he seems a bit lonely and sad, even though he laughs as he asks you. Yesterday I spent 7 minutes exchanging jokes with him. I know this because I had given myself 10 minutes to get to work and ended up being there 7 minutes late.

After I left, I could hear him laughing to himself down the street. Whether it was the jokes or the voices in his head I couldn’t tell you.

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