Okay so I think we’re all pretty much aware of the fact that if there’s a hell I’m going there. Asshole party of one? Your table is ready. This is first evidenced here, and probably in numerous other places in this here weblog of mine but I’m far too lazy to go digging for examples.
In case you need a few more reasons, I present to you:
Reasons I’m Going to Hell, Part II
1. When I’m feeling particularly cheap, I tell the bartender wherever we happen to be that I’m the designated driver. This generally scores me a free soda for which I tip largely to ensure free refills all night.
I then proceed to top up the soda all night with the Vodka that I’ve managed to sneak in thanks to my ridiculously large purse.
2. I like to watch Biggest Loser sometimes. It’s inspiring to watch those poor people have to shed hundreds of pounds…Even more inspiring while eating ice cream and chocolate chip cookies.
4. Two Words: Online Dating
It’s not that these guys don’t seem nice. It’s mostly that they seem like complete and utter morons half of the time. Or maybe it’s my Judgey McJudgerson personality.
Here’s me, online dating: “ugh he spelled ‘your’ wrong, NEXT; too old, NEXT; What’s with the hair? NEXT; too skinny, NEXT; Hmm…potential…potential (as I skim his profile)…ew whiny! NEXT”
And I wonder why I’m single*
*False. I don’t wonder that.
Every year I go through these bouts. These periods where my mind can’t stop thinking negatively. I want to curl in a ball on my couch and never leave the house. I don’t eat all day or I eat everything I can grab. I feel like crying but my eyes are selfish and hold the tears to themselves.
I wear pyjamas from the moment I walk in the door and find excuses not to answer my phone. I watch TV but don’t really see anything. I can’t sleep so I try reading, I try sleeping pills, I try a bath. I try tea, I try writing, I try laying in bed thinking of nothing and everything. I try imagining somewhere hot, and listening to waves on a beach.
I am awake but my mind is confused. How did I end up here? Like this? Lonely, sad, unable to express myself and not understanding what it is that has brought me down so low. Some nights I might go have a drink at my very own Cheers with friends but this is a temporary distraction.
I wander around the museum for hours, wishing I could disappear into the paintings, into the sculptures and be a part of history instead of making my own. I wander around the library even longer – until the librarian announces the imminent closing – picking up books and flipping through the pages.
I read comedic memoirs which remind me all too well how mine would suffer in comparison. I read serious books about war and crimes against humanity. They say misery loves company. I read books about love, about pain, about reality. Sometimes I read a book so densely and intricately worded I have to reread paragraphs three times just to understand what is happening. These are my favorite of all, they take up the most time.
Once the snow melts, once the grass returns, once the sun again has the starring role and not just a cameo, I’ll be okay. But for now, for now I’ll sit waiting.
I’m working on the ol’ resume. No, I’m not planning on leaving my day job anytime soon, I have it pretty good here. It’s my part time job that is starting to drive me crazy (see the ridiculousness here). I love serving, don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t because I don’t need to.
I just know it’s time to leave a place when I start dreading having to even enter the code at the back door to get in and start my shift. And I don’t just dread it because my memory friggin sucks and I can never remember the stupid code.
Anyway, while updating (read: embellishing) my resume I started thinking about resumes in general. If I was honest my resume would look something like this:
03/2007 – Present
The Oil Company I Work For
Exec Ass’t & Office Admin
– Delegating responsibility to my underling
– Writing Blog entries
– Dealing with whiney sarcastic jerks at phone/xerox/computer companies
– Trying to appease 5 bosses
– Writing letters, filing letters, signing letters, posting letters, assigning letter-writing to others, responding to letters, stacking letters, unstacking letters
10/2006 – Present
The Restaurant I Serve At
– Seeing how many wine glasses I can carry in one hand without dropping any (I’m up to 9)
– Chatting with hostesses in hopes they will seat my section when I am bored
– Making fun of guests in the service alley
– Telling new people to find something (like a bacon-stretcher) in the basement. There is no basement. There is no bacon-stretcher.
– Flirting with cute co-workers/managers/guests
10/2007 – Present: Chair of Oil Company Charity Committee (pick random charities, give them company money)
07/2006 – Present: Global Parent, Unicef (give them money)
1998-2006 – Bingo/Casino (was forced to do this for extracurricular activities)
2001 – Bilingual Debate Tournament Judge (received desperately needed bonus marks in Social Studies)
1995 – 1999: SPCA (got to play with dogs and skip church on occasion)
Summary of Qualifications
– Demonstrated excellent hand-eye coordination
– Prone to make others look superior
– Ability to deal with aforementioned whiney, sarcastic jerks
– Happily find ways to rid you of hard-earned money via charity organisations
– Superior winking, giggling & eyelash-batting skills