I won’t be home to enjoy the furnace men although I can imagine they are named Larry and Ted, wear pants that are slightly too tight for them and would not be found in any porn movie involving home repairs. At least that’s what he sounded like on the phone. Y’all.
This morning, bored and tired at work, I googled myself and found out that I am apparently a photographer, a model, a folk singer, a Doctor (natural health practitioner actually), a video game tester, a news anchor, a member of a womens lacrosse team, a contestant on a popular reality TV show, author/artist, and a nanny. I’m a very busy woman. The good news is that my name is so common that future employers will have a hard time finding any dirt on me via Google.
Either because I’m intrepid and resourceful or sort of a creepy stalker, sometimes I look up the name of the guy(s) I’m interested in on Google. Most times it generates either their Facebook profile or the time it took them to run a marathon and that they came in 357th out of 400. Guess I need to pick some more interesting men.
In other news, I hate when people talk to me in the elevator. Unless you are complimenting my shoes, I don’t care about small talk. What the weather is like or how fast the elevator is or what your son is going to name his dog is not a detail I care to discuss with you. I talk to enough strangers every day, I don’t need random dude in an elevator to be my new friend. Unless you are gorgeous and on your way to check-in on your multi-million dollar company that you preside over from your home in the Carribbean, feel free to chat. Otherwise just please don’t talk to me. It’s awkward.Oh yes, it’s my adorable niece’s birthday today and she’s one year old
I think we used up all our funny this weekend. I have never laughed so hard in my life (other then an incident that involved poker, cake, Michael Bolton and dog food but that’s a story for another day). I’m not sure if it was the hot (32-38 degree Celsius) weather, the steady stream of alcoholic beverages or just the fact that I was with people I love to be around but holy hell was it a fun trip.
Although there are a few fuzzy details (why was the joke about roofies so hilarious? Who first started comparing Larry to Chuck Norris? Why did we decide that swimming through the lake in pitch black night was far safer then traipsing through the woods to return to the boat?) I guess some things we’ll just never know.
In light of the weekend, and since I seem to always have a list once a week here is:
I May or May Not Have:
Left the Following on O/N’s Boat (he was there for a stag):
- 1 leg warmer
- 2 pink & black gauntlet gloves
- 1 black skirt
- 1 rabbit tail
- 4 beaded shot glasses
- 1 gold flip-flop
- 1 sailor hat
- 2 bikini ties
- My singledom (more on that another day)
Used the Following Sentences:
- Damage deposit…? Well, what happens if we lose the boat? ( I was dead serious)
- I only call you bitches ‘cuz I don’t know y’all individually
- Listen you douche-monkeys
- Nobody can die on my watch. Promise? It’s almost Co-Captains turn so lets jump off the edge then.
- Who knew a mag light was water proof!? What? It’s not? Shit.
- Larry doesn’t throw up when he drinks too much…He throws down!
- Well your damage deposit may be gone…but so are we…ha!
- It’s wabbit-hunting season (while dressed like a playboy bunny)
- Two men…one toothbrush
Done the Following:
- A keg stand, after which I promptly projectile vomited beer, then did another.
- Hit my head on a ceiling fan and loudly announced that I was “concussed”
- Woken up, poured & drank a Gin caesar, then gone back to bed on the top deck
- Thought I was going to die on the way home when our driver, going 200 in the pouring rain decided it would be funny to start poking her bf. Around the mountains. While passing another car.
So August-long anyone…?