Category Archives: don’t drink and email

Fanmail

I get excited when I see that I have a new comment, (as I’m sure you all do) so imagine my disappointment when I realized that half of them were from “Hello Baby“. Don’t get me wrong, she seems very nice. It’s just that you know, say what you gotta say once and then maybe stop.

So we can all thank our new friend “Hello Baby” for the fact that I am now moderating comments. Also, because I’m curious (read: nosy) I had to check out this persons website and I probably have some sort of computer-herpes now. On the plus side, I found out that 爱丽丝 means Alice in Chinese, so there’s that. Also, the fact that it’s a Chinese website written in Spanish (what??) kind of made my day.

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Still (not) Kissing Frogs

I think it’s about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. Here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Le Sigh.

Bachelor #1: YOU SEEM NICE GET BACK IF YOUR INTERERSTED

A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: “I work about 60 hours about in concrete. im happy with my life”. That’s all he says and the only answer to the typical “About Me” stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I’d like to know how I seem nice when you’ve never spoken to me. You can’t really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that’s to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does “about 60 hours about in concrete” mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?

NEXT!

Bachelor #2: do u have msn?

While I’m at it, can I just give you my address? We haven’t exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks; “gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me, I should definitely give him a chance.”

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 33 male 5’9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you’re sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are “only one x” sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking east indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you’re so good-looking why don’t you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you’re looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind.

On the positive side of life, I met a very nice, good-looking guy at a party last weekend. We hung out all night, dancing and chatting. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy I knew got into a fight (I know, right? How old are we boys?) with some other guy and I was dragged out of the party before getting the chance to exchange numbers with my hot guy.

I should have left a shoe like Cinderella…

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