Category Archives: dating is for the emotionally stable

Kinky Turkey Sex, Wine Tasting and The Reason(s) I’m Still Single

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said “this one will hit you hard…” and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) “that’s what he said!”

As the rep finished:”…with jammy raspberry and plum”

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: “bla bla something about security guards”
Boy: “Actually I’m undercover, like a secret shopper”
Alice: “So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don’t shove a turkey in their pants?”
Boy: “Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert”
Alice: “No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then”

Wait, what!?

Alice: “I mean in a not sexual way. I’m not into that kinky turkey sex”
Boy: “…just the regular kind?”

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I’m an idiot.

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Turn Left at the Alter

So lately I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot. No, I’m not getting married but one of my baby sisters is. SL got engaged a month ago and already has the church, the reception hall, the bridesmaids dresses and yes, the wedding gown.

Anyhow, I was talking with a couple of friends about it and Boobie McGee says: “I really haven’t thought about my wedding too much except…” and goes on to talk about how many bridesmaids she’ll have, the colors, the centerpieces, the location, pretty much everything except for who the groom will be.

My mom loves weddings. Not like “hey neat-o I can help plan a bit” but more like she’s taking a three part, 12 week cake decorating class so she can make the cupcakes for the wedding. She has ordered a bazillion yards of organza to make pew-bows and centre-pieces and chair-slips and ninja-ties or something.

I have been to approximately 789,000 weddings in my life. I used to work at a hoity-toity (shuddup spell check) private members-only, your-first-born-son-must-be-given-up-as-payment-club so there were weddings there practically every weekend. Plus my friends seem to enjoy getting married apparently.

I’m going to start feeling like that chick with the 27 bridesmaids dresses and no man pretty soon.

This post is all over the map. It’s a wedding map but good lord, where was I going with this?

Oh right, I think when/if I ever get married I’m going to send invitations that say: “Come party in (insert awesome vacation spot here)”.

Planning? Done.

Still (not) Kissing Frogs

I think it’s about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. Here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Le Sigh.

Bachelor #1: YOU SEEM NICE GET BACK IF YOUR INTERERSTED

A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: “I work about 60 hours about in concrete. im happy with my life”. That’s all he says and the only answer to the typical “About Me” stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I’d like to know how I seem nice when you’ve never spoken to me. You can’t really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that’s to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does “about 60 hours about in concrete” mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?

NEXT!

Bachelor #2: do u have msn?

While I’m at it, can I just give you my address? We haven’t exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks; “gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me, I should definitely give him a chance.”

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 33 male 5’9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you’re sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are “only one x” sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking east indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you’re so good-looking why don’t you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you’re looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind.

On the positive side of life, I met a very nice, good-looking guy at a party last weekend. We hung out all night, dancing and chatting. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy I knew got into a fight (I know, right? How old are we boys?) with some other guy and I was dragged out of the party before getting the chance to exchange numbers with my hot guy.

I should have left a shoe like Cinderella…

Some More Irony

Remember Bro? Remember The Russian? If not and since you’re all too lazy to click links I’m sure, I’ll give you a very brief synopsis.

Bro is my old boss’ brother. He’s really nice and very charismatic; he was working up North so I hadn’t seen him since Christmas. The Russian is my ex-boyfriend from High school who I hadn’t seen since then until he came into my (old) work one day with his (kinda?) friends. He was the first guy I really cared about and we went through a lot together.

This is how my messed up life works…I hadn’t seen either of them in a while and kind of even forgot about both of them since, you know, life happens.

Well Friday night guess who comes into the Restaurant and sits at my bar…Bro. He told me he was even going to call the restaurant to make sure that I was working but decided to just come see. Him and his friend hung out and drank for a couple hours, I chatted with him about his work and all that but I was really busy so didn’t really get to talk too much.

As they were leaving, his friend paid and left $150 for the $137 bill. I was kind of upset about it because I had given them a discount and everything but whatever. Bro came back from the bathroom though and shook my hand, stealthily slipping me $40 in the process. He’s back now from up North and won’t be going back until next year so he said he’ll call me and I guess we’ll see where that goes!

As for The Russian, Saturday night I had a girls night with some friends. We drank a ton of wine and champagne and then headed out dancing. As I’m outside smoking, who do I see but the Russian walking towards me. He grabbed me in a big hug and started going on about he dropped his phone in beer or something so had obviously lost my number.

Him and his friend ended up hanging out with us girls for the rest of the night; dancing, drinking, all that fun stuff. I don’t know if it’s a Russian thing or what but he’s very direct. He asked me if I had loved him, he told me that seeing me again must be fate (it is kinda strange that I didn’t see him for over 7 years and then run into him twice in a few months, but fate? I dunno) and is totally comfortable asking potentially awkward questions.

He came over to my place after and it was fabulous. Gotta love not raising your numbers and still getting some. Especially when it’s way better then you remember. We actually had a really good conversation in the morning about life in general, what’s changed, what’s the same, my parents divorce, his stint in the army, everything in general.

As he was leaving he said “I’ll call you,” to which I replied “like last time?” and laughed. He could only shake his head and point to his new phone, which is apparently not covered in beer.

Of course, seeing the two guys I kissed a few months ago, randomly in the same weekend, after not having seen either for over two months WOULD only happen to me.

The Russians

Remember how I was just saying I meet guys by running into exes? Here’s a classic example, and it happened on Saturday night.

At the piano bar I’ve started working at, there’s a group of Russians who come in to drink almost every night I’ve worked so far. They’re pretty nice guys but a little intimidating. The girls they’re with are always super nice, they all have thick accents and their English is rusty.

The first night they came in they were drinking until after 3 am (bars here close at 2 am). I brought them their bill and the one guy (who never smiles) says in his thick accent:

“We are not done drinking”

Dude, it’s 3 am. I’m done serving.

They managed to talk the owner into staying and drinking, after they paid me their bill. Basically, it seems like they have a lot of clout in that place, if you know what I mean. Since that night though they’ve been fairly nice to me.

So Saturday night, who walks in but the Russians. They want Cognac, which we don’t have so what does my boss do? Go to the liquor store, buy two bottles and put them on their table. So I bring over some shot glasses and who has joined them but my ex-boyfriend from high school.

This is an ex who I was with for a relatively long time considering it was high school, Dizzy you may remember the Russian?

The only reason we broke up was because my “friend” (she’s another story entirely) liked him from the beginning and after we’d been together almost 8 months she told me he’d cheated on me. Then she told him I cheated on him with one of his friends.

At that point, none of it was true and neither of us knew she had lied to both of us. So in true high school fashion, he was hurt and really did cheat on me, with his ex.

We didn’t talk until we accidentally ran into each other at a Valentines Day party (great, right?) he brought me into a room and told me I broke his heart. I laughed so I wouldn’t cry and told him he was one to talk. I haven’t seen him since. That was 7 years ago now.

He was so surprised, he immediately jumped up to give me a hug and a shot of Cognac. From then, every time I went over it was shots all around. He came outside for a cigarette with me and apologized for hurting me. He asked about my family and remembered what I had gotten for him for Christmas one year. He asked how his English was (way better then I remember although I kind of like the sexy accent).

Later in the night, due to about half a bottle of Cognac ingested by myself, I was getting to be pretty drunk. I walk over to the table and the Russian Ex says: “my friends bet me $20 I can’t get you to dance with me. They don’t believe me we dated”. So of course, we danced while reminiscing. When we walked back over to the table there was a $20 bill with two shots resting on top.

So as if I don’t have enough men to deal with right now, what with ADD calling me twice a day and Bro back in town, the Russian-ex got my phone number and wants to go for coffee this week.

And I may or may not have kissed him in the stairwell that night.

Stranded in a Snowstorm

I haven’t been on a date in a LONG time – either I run into ex’s or guys I dated in HS or I meet my friends friends, that’s how I meet guys. This week all of a sudden I have 3 dates with two different guys (yes, one of them is Bro – and in answer to details he’s 6’4″ tall, has nice arms, brown eyes, blondish brown hair and he’s a great kisser).

These are real actual dates. Not sure where this is coming from all of a sudden, but I’m not complaining.

I went on a date Wednesday night with this guy, (I’ll call him ADD because he talks – a LOT). We had arranged to meet a week before (this was planned even before I met Bro) . See, I finally took the plunge and met a guy off that stupid dating website and you know what? He was really nice and very funny. It wasn’t awkward at all and turned out we knew some of the same people.

He talked so much though and was really random with his attention span, I seriously think that boy needs some Riddlin. He was really funny, maybe because of the randomness?

I went out with him again, and his friend, last night. ADD realized he lost his wallet and started freaking out that he needed to cancel his credit cards ASAP (understandable) but was saying he can only do it from his home number or something because of the high limits on his cards, it’s a protected account or something. I didn’t really get it but he ended up leaving in a panic.

His friend was drinking so obviously couldn’t drive but he lived across the street from where we were so he walked there and I was left stranded, I knew everyone at the bar so it wasn’t a huge deal but I was still a bit pissed off.

ADD texted me half an hour later apologizing and I fully understand the freak-out about your wallet thing but at the same time, we had a blizzard here yesterday. It was absolutely impossible to get a cab. I tried for three hours (until 4 am); finally a girl from work drove me home.

I spoke with him today, he still hasn’t found his wallet but he thinks it’s in his friends car. He feels like an asshole for leaving me there but there were a bunch of people I knew there so it wasn’t that bad I guess. Still, I can’t decide if I want to even give him another chance?

Then there’s Bro, who gets back to town tomorrow and I’m so excited to see him again. He’s been texting me all week and called me Thursday afternoon just to say hi…we’ll see how that one goes…

Weekend Fun, Yet Again

So we all know how much I love random weird stupid nights out, right? Last weekend I had another. See, I’ve been sick and also working two jobs. I got a second job at a piano bar two nights a week for some extra cash flow. So lately I haven’t really been out very often.

Friday night I went out with Party-Girl (karaoke naturally) and to this rocker bar on the Red Mile afterward. It was an awesome night but relatively tame for the two of us. We ended up back at her place, and crashed shortly after. The next day we went shopping for ugly sweaters for our other friends Ugly Christmas Sweater party.

Oddly enough I had two ugly sweater parties to attend that weekend. The one I found isn’t bad though, long and brown with that tiny diamond print, it’s a V-neck. I would even probably wear it again. The selection for ugly was limited, sadly.

I worked Saturday night and was planning on heading to the party as soon as I was done. One of my tables bought me a glass of wine so after I finished work, I sat down at the bar to drink it.

These two guys, as soon as I walked in the bar, started talking to me and bought us three tequila shots. I was laughing with them because they were just SO random and funny but we went outside for a cigarette and it turned out I knew the one guy’s sister, very well (I used to work for her for a year) so I’ll call him Bro.

They invited me out with them, it was the weirdest thing – we all got along as if we’d met years ago and been friends forever. Joking around, making fun of each other, it was great. I told them about the sweater party and they basically said “Let’s go!” first they wanted to stop off and change.

Well the sweater party never happened for us. His sister was home so we were all doing shots of tequila, playing “strip poker” (in which the girls always had clothing on, while the guys were in their tighty whities – the game may or may not have been rigged) . Next, the three of us (minus his sister) headed out to the bar.

The first bar we went to, Bro’s friend, I’ll call him RedBull (RB) got in a fight outside because he lent his jacket to these two girls. Their boyfriends showed up and didn’t like that very much. needless to say we were out of there pretty quickly.

Next we headed to this dance place that has a rave room downstairs and Top 40 and oldies upstairs. It was actually pretty fun but the best was those two guys. They were making me laugh the entire time. I don’t even remember what we were laughing about but I do know my stomach hurt the next day.

After that bar, we headed back to Bro’s house and all of us passed out on various couches within the hour.

When I woke up RedBull was gone, and it was snowing like crazy outside. Bro made the two of us breakfast (well, BBQ chicken and cheese & crackers – the breakfast of champions). We sat around watching TV and talking for a few hours until RB came back to dissect the nights events, apologize for the fight and rehash the finer points. Bro’s sister also got a kick out of the events.

Later that afternoon, Bro drove me from way in the Northwest of the city all the way to the very, very South in the blizzard style snow so that I could go to my other friends Ugly Sweater Party. After meeting a few of my friends, sticking around for a drink and making fun of everyone’s sweaters, he drove me back up to my place and dropped me off.

But not before giving me a fabulous goodnight kiss.

All Aboard the Sunshine Express

Well that about wraps up emo-week in Average-Land, hope you enjoyed your stay! That’s right kids, turn off that Moss Icon, put down the knife and crawl out of bed; we’re back on the happy-train.

So since I’ve been having such great luck over on one dating site, I signed up for another. They emailed me about 6 times telling me I could have a free trial for the weekend (I guess I smell like desperation even through the internets). So I filled out the survey and jumped on in.

With the free trial I can review other peoples profiles but until I pay money I can’t see their pictures. I can also start a “Guided Communication” with someone or answer questions that they’ve asked “potential matches”.

So now, instead of being able to be judgmental and weed guys out based on if their picture is just their stomach taken by themselves in a mirror (WHY do guys feel like that’s a good profile picture?) I have to actually go through the profile. And we all know how honest people are on those.

Why yes, in my spare time I enjoy dissecting Weber, or listening to Vivaldi while organizing my spice-rack alphabetically, maybe traveling around the world in a week and painting Dali-inspired masterpieces. Did I mention my love of children and small animals? Can I tell you how beautiful your eyes are?

Wait let me just grab my vom bucket.

So I’ve been filling out “communication surveys” for the last hour. It’s actually kind of addicting in some sort of weird narcissistic way.

There does seem to be a lot more to go through when you pay to use a site but I can’t wrap my head around paying a couple hundred bucks to get more “hey baby” emails. I’ll just have to see how this free trial goes…

Sorry about all the snarky quotation marks. I can’t seem to help myself.

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