Category Archives: calgary is the drinking capital of canada

There’s A Snake in Ma Boot!

So Stampede is half over and it’s been quite an interesting week so far.

Somehow even though I’ve been working for ten days straight (my next day off is Sunday – thank the sweet baby Jebus), I’ve still managed to get myself in a fair amount of trouble. So far, from what I remember, here’s a summary of the week:

Saturday:

  • After work went to my “Cheers” and ended up at Pseudo’s

Sunday:

  • Worked all day, went to Blondie’s boyfriends birthday BBQ (try saying that 5 times fast) where we ate a fabulous spread that included flat-bread appetizers, grilled steak that had been marinated for 12 hours (yum!), an incredible reduced balsamic dip and tons of other delicious food
  • We then proceeded to have a flippy cup tournament. There were 13 of us so we had a 3 team Round Robin – best of 7. We obviously got drunk.
  • The limo showed up, we all piled in and drank copious amounts of champagne…and beer (Klassy)
  • We went to the first bar where the ten guys bought each of us 3 girls at least 3 shots
  • Next stop? Our “Cheers” – obviously more shots followed
  • Last stop on the Limo train was the bar affectionately nicknamed “The WhoreHouse”. Obviously we had more shots. I don’t think I bought a single drink – it was a shooter night
  • I lost my purse with everything in it – phone, camera, money, wallet, keys
  • Found said purse sitting casually on the dance floor an hour later. With everything still in it.
  • Lost all of my friends except for one. We eventually found one other friend who had jumped over an overpass to the street below trying to chase after half of our group. Giant FAIL as he was now limping.
  • Took jumper to friends house and put a bag of peas on his foot. Woke up in the morning to him puking from the pain. His foot was black and blue and swollen like a football. Um ya turns out he broke it…

Wednesday:

  • Frenchie came and met me after I was done work, we consumed at least a bottle of wine and headed to “Cheers” (where else?) where we played drunken darts and drank a lot of vodka
  • Two dumb guys were running their mouths, trying to act like they were a really big deal (RBD). After last call they bet me $20 I couldn’t get another beer. Have I mentioned that this is the bar I frequent and always tip really well? They didn’t stand a chance. I even warned them that they were being idiots. I told the bartender I’d give him $20 for a Kokanee and he looked at me like I was nuts. He would have given it to me for free but whatever. I went back up to the guys, beer in hand.
  • The guy who bet me handed over the $20 and said: “whatever, bottled beer is easy. There’s no way he’d pour you a draft beer…” I just laughed. RBD says: “I’ll bet you $50 you couldn’t get a draft beer”
  • I went back to the bar and told Bartender I’d give him $25 for a draft beer. Again he thought I was nuts but handed me a Keith’s.
  • As soon as I went back upstairs with the beer the 2 guys just shook their heads and handed me the $50 bucks. Don’t make stupid bets with me boys.
  • I’m kind of a big deal.

I still have the last weekend to go, and I’m sure even with my hectic work schedule I’ll manage to get a few more crazy nights in.

Sometimes I just love Stampede.

Not Even I Can Keep Track

So, I realize that occasionally I’ll mention a friend of mine here on this blog o’ mine. Sometimes it doesn’t really matter if you have a clue who I’m talking about or not. Sometimes it makes it funnier if you DO know who the hell I’m rambling on about.

To make matters less complicated, here is my very own cast and crew:

The Women:

Blondie: The name basically speaks for itself – she’s blonde. She’s hilarious. She’s one of my best friends. We’ve been to Cuba, PEI, Halifax, Shuswaps, the Badlands and Kananaskis together, we figured out that since we got our passports the same day that means we are destined to be travel-buddies. Also, she thinks I’m psychic and smart so having her around is good for the ego.

PartyGirl (nickname given to her by some of my less crazy friends): I’ve known her since Elementary although we only really became good friends after High School when we randomly ran into each other while each working our respective downtown office jobs. She has a new boyfriend that she now lives with but she’s still awesome fun to party with.

Boobie McGee: (kinda self-explanatory) she’s younger then the rest of us, kind of crazy, gets angry when drunk, but is always amusing. Prime example: she broke her wrist before houseboating and cut off her own cast with a jigsaw so she could go in the water.


Frenchie: I know her because my crazy ex and her husband worked together. Then I worked with them (the boys), then they introduced us (the girls). Frenchie was sure she was going to hate me but miraculously we got along just peachy. We’re still friends even though douche ex and I broke up and her hubby PA isn’t friends with him anymore. Ha ha I win.

Hiker: She is my manager at The Restaurant, and a really big sweetheart. She likes to go out of town to Banff, Kananaskis, Drumheller etc. to go hiking (hence the name) and usually Blondie and I tag along. She is our ‘responsible’ friend.

The Men:

(Ex)Pseudo-bf: Not my boyfriend, never was my boyfriend for the 2 years we ‘hung out’. Complicated story, I wrote about it here. Sometimes I mention him, or possibly his new ex(!) girlfriend T-Bone.

O/N: So called because he was my Old/New guy. I used to date him in High School and ran into him at the bar one night last year. We had a brief fling where we’d hang out, go for drinks, all that fun stuff. I haven’t talked to him in a while but every now and then…

Brown Paper Bag Boys (BPBBs): Blondie and I work with one of these guys, who she is now dating (that would be Hyper). They are wicked fun although sometimes do stupid things. There are about 5 main guys in this group. In the spirit of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs I’ll call them: Hyper, Grumpy, Shy, Cocky, and Sleepy


The Co-workers:

This section needs some major updating…someday

The Fam:

Dizzy: Writes a great blog about attachment parenting, and lives too far away from me. Her husband is great and helps me with technologically advanced things so I’ll call him Techie. They have an adorable 2 year old daughter (who calls herself MeMe so that will be her pseudonym) and another bun in the oven! Dizzy reads my blog so…

Must. Always. Say. Nice. Things…

Just kidding. She’s great, I wish they lived closer though.

SK & SL : My younger twin sisters – get the lowdown here. People seem to think we’re triplets a lot which is funny because they are ten times skinnier then me and 4 years younger (victory is mine!!) well, either that or I just look like the slightly chunky oldest triplet.

So, there you have it – I’m sure the list will grow so if you’re ever confused, pop on by.

Calgarians are not your average folk.

While little miss Alice is off gallivanting across the East Coast with Blondie, I’m stuck in corporate Vancouver crunching numbers.

Who am I you ask? The Well-Intentioned Heartbreaker of course. And even though I’ve been avoiding my own blog for nearly a week, as Alice’s best blogger friend* I’ll still hold down the fort for her.

As I moseyed my way over here this morning, I tried to think of what to write that wouldn’t disappoint after Falwless’ post yesterday on Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads. I mean really, what can top that?

My first thought was to post on Ridiculous Yahoo Sponsored Ads, but bloggers usually aren’t too happy with the whole “plagiarism” thing. And I’m not really out to make enemies. Or too many of them at least.

Then it struck me that Alice lives in Calgary. And, wait for it, I used to live in Calgary. I mean, I got out of there as fast as I could, but I did do a quick stint in the wonderful world of the cows. Though, I shouldn’t lie, I don’t remember seeing a single cow while I lived in Calgary. This may be because cows in Calgary are simply a myth, or because I was too drunk at all times to notice my surroundings.

Alice is 100% correct when she says Calgarians drink. They drink when they’re happy, they drink when they’re sad. And they especially drink when they are mad. They drink before school, during work, and once they’ve retired. Anytime is a good time to drink in Calgary. Happy Hour is more like Happy 24 Hours. I worked at a bar while I lived there, which was a blast, but if you plan on doing this, don’t plan on getting anything productive done. You will go to work, get off at 3am and then party with your coworkers until 7am. You will likely crash at one of their houses, and wake up around 3pm and go shopping. You will go home, get ready for work, and press repeat. For months on end. Just letting you know..

Another thing I noticed when I lived in Alice’s hometown is that Calgarians are immune to the cold. I nearly died every single time I stepped outside in the winter. Inhaling air below freezing nearly made my lungs collapse. I dressed in parkas and snowboots and everyone else was still rockin‘ their flipflops. Everyday I was all “These people must be part fucking Eskimo.”

Also? Calgarians think that plugging their cars in at night so the engine doesn’t freeze is normal. It isn’t. It’s totally weird and I always forgot. Oh, and they go “warm up their cars” before leaving places like restaurants and stuff? I never did. Now that I think about it, Calgary is probably the reason my car is currently on it’s last leg.

I do give Calgarians props for being totally, insanely friendly as I made a bazillion friends there pretty much overnight.. (though now that I think about it, this is probably related to the drinking).. But I’m totally with Dizzy who thinks Alice should pack up and settle down in Vancity.**

*I don’t think Alice wanted me to say that. She’s worried you’d all be jealous.
**Alice, if you’re worried about moving to Vancouver because we don’t drink as much as Calgarians, I’ll totally pick up my old Calgary habits and make you feel right at home.

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