Maybe I Could Sell The Gum I Collect to Pay My Outrageous Phone Bill

I finally got my May phone bill. I’ve been waiting in anticipation for this bill because this was the bill for while I was on vacation. My long-distance and usage charges weren’t as awful as I’d anticipated but did add another $264 on top of my standard $102 bill. Try going to a social-media meet-up and not using your phone. Impossible.

The feeling I got when I saw the bill was the same as the feeling I get when I’m doing the best, most fun server duty of all: gum scraping. You know the nastiness is coming but it still hits you hard (TWSS). See, some people still think putting their wad of chewed up, disgusting, spit-encrusted gum under the table is socially acceptable.

I say “still” as if it were ever socially acceptable. I mean, how does an adult decide that the best place for their nasty gum is under the table where strangers have to sit and eat? Really though, you can learn a lot by observing the patterns of the gum.

For instance, there are obviously groups of people who come to the conclusion that asking for a napkin is really far too difficult and under these tables you will find four matching blobs, one at each place. Group consensus: random gum attack!

I have also learned that white is by far the most popular color choice, with green as a runner-up, followed by red or pink and finally blue. This says a lot about people because I mean really, that light blue gum is so obviously the most delicious gum out there, yet it’s the least often randomly discarded under a table.

I feel like I should write a thesis on this: less blue gum under the table because it’s not as popular or because people who chew light blue are more sophisticated?

On that same note, I actually watched a 40-ish year old woman take her gum out and put it under the table yesterday. I was sitting a few tables over waiting for some friends to be done work and had notice this woman earlier because she was wearing a very, incredibly tight shirt that was too short and a tiny frilly skirt that looked borrowed from her 14 year old daughter.

I’m all for showing off your body and being proud of what your mama gave you but if you can’t feel your ass cheeks as two separate entities that is probably a good indication that your bottoms are too tight.

It’s also probably good to consider a wardrobe change if you find you look as though you have four boobs instead of two (fondly referred to as “quadra-boob” in some circles, also known as “you need to go get fitted for a new bra”); or when you show up to your kids friend’s party and your outfit more closely resembles the pre-pubescent kids outfits then it does the other parents.

Her worse crime however wasn’t one of fashion (though seriously? Really? Tough call here), it was one of basic human etiquette. Because we all know there is nothing worse then settling in at a restaurant for a night of drunken debauchery and getting surprise gum attacked.

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7 responses

  1. I blame the American Education System for the under gum disposal.

    You're not supposed to chew gum in class so you can't ask for somewhere to throw it out hence stuffing it under one of those terrible half desks that you fall out of in front of the hottest girl in school.

    FLASHBACKS.

  2. Another bad habit I have along with pen-chewing and picking my nail polish off with my teeth (HOW am I still single?) is gum swallowing.

    But hey, gross though it is (and as long as it will take to pass through me), at least no one will ever have to clean it up after me! 🙂

  3. chewing gum is for the sucks

  4. I'm not sure which is worse touching under-the-table gum before a meal or stepping on parking lot gum. Either way I have learned something today and that something is the word quadra-boob. Thank you for expanding my vocabulary.

  5. i'm also all for swallowing gum. even if it makes me gag a little.

    seriously though. i always have random bits of paper in my handbag – tillslips and the like – and i'd rather scrumple up my discarded gum in a piece of paper and stash it in my bag, than stick it under the table. that's just gross.

    and OMS about your phone bill. with an exhange rate of about 8:1 (in favour of the dollar) your bill would be about 2400 south african rands. hooollleee shit.

    the most i've ever managed is like one and a half grand.

  6. I stepped in gum a few weeks ago, on a hot day none the less. It took forever for me to pry myself away from the gum. I considered just leaving my shoe but they were really cute.

  7. hahaha uhm.. wow
    well the gum part is not socially acceptable but…. sometimes napkins are not close by and well, i am guilty of that, but under the chair insteadof the table

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