Okay so I think we’re all pretty much aware of the fact that if there’s a hell I’m going there. Asshole party of one? Your table is ready. This is first evidenced here, and probably in numerous other places in this here weblog of mine but I’m far too lazy to go digging for examples.
In case you need a few more reasons, I present to you:
Reasons I’m Going to Hell, Part II
1. When I’m feeling particularly cheap, I tell the bartender wherever we happen to be that I’m the designated driver. This generally scores me a free soda for which I tip largely to ensure free refills all night.
I then proceed to top up the soda all night with the Vodka that I’ve managed to sneak in thanks to my ridiculously large purse.
2. I like to watch Biggest Loser sometimes. It’s inspiring to watch those poor people have to shed hundreds of pounds…Even more inspiring while eating ice cream and chocolate chip cookies.
4. Two Words: Online Dating
It’s not that these guys don’t seem nice. It’s mostly that they seem like complete and utter morons half of the time. Or maybe it’s my Judgey McJudgerson personality.
Here’s me, online dating: “ugh he spelled ‘your’ wrong, NEXT; too old, NEXT; What’s with the hair? NEXT; too skinny, NEXT; Hmm…potential…potential (as I skim his profile)…ew whiny! NEXT”
And I wonder why I’m single*
*False. I don’t wonder that.