Marry This

The sweet sounds of summer are in the air; BBQ’s grilling, neighbors mowing their lawns (finally), birds chirping, the shrill shrieks of Bride-to-be’s yelling at their wedding planners…

Yes, summer means that wedding season is fast approaching. That’s right, don your party gown and say a little prayer that your friends groom has at least some hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies that you can bat your pretty little eyelashes at because this night is going to be long. I should know – I went to seven weddings last year.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for all you marrieds/about-to-be-marrieds (mostly because now I don’t have to listen to you whining about how that guy from last night never called you today – hello, give it a few days*) but weddings do come with their own set of problems for us single folk.

Firstly, I have a name and a “plus one”. Most of the time I choose to forgo the date and just go as my fabulous single self but when all your friends are bringing their boyfriends, it changes things a bit.

See, now I have to scramble to figure out which of my single guy friends will fit in best with each crowd. I have to make sure said Plus One is attractive, witty and charming and mostly that he will be attentive to me so as not to embarrass me and/or the bride. I have to choose wisely because if the aforementioned hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies actually exist, my Plus One better not stand in my way.

There’s also a problem with going at it alone. As much as I like the bride’s Uncle Jimbo trying to feel me up on the dance floor and then tell me he thought I was his wife (oh you mean the chick with dark hair that is 4 inches shorter than me and 20 years older? Ya I’d totally get us confused too), I’ve had my share of it. And your share too for that matter.

Then there’s the barrage of “Grandma-means-well” questions about our own marital history and future, or lack thereof. Why is it your business (worse when it’s a complete stranger), to ask me WHY I’m not married? Why are you married? What if I told you it was because I prefer emotionless, meaningless sex with no strings, huh Grandma – happy now?

You asked.

Also: I’m not allowed to wear white, I’m not allowed to wear black, I’m not allowed to wear anything sexy, I’m not allowed to wear too much makeup, I’m not allowed to wear anything too short and my shoes aren’t allowed to be too high.

Good thing I don’t follow directions well, we just eliminated the majority of my wardrobe.

All I’m really saying here is if I ever get married I’ll make sure to stock the bar with hot single people so my friends have someone to drool at talk to.

Ya, I’m generous like that

* kidding – well maybe not really

15 responses

  1. i'll come to your wedding and wear some thing too short, with 6″ heels and whored out make up! you will look like a goddess next to me! haha (but i wouldnt ever wear white… thats just mean to the bride!)

  2. I sooo hear you on this one…

  3. A couple of years ago, I did the whole “attend 7 weddings” thing. I was engaged and one of the weddings was mine, but bloody hell it was exhausting.
    So many rules! So much etiquette!!!

    I never understood the whole “don't outshine the bride” crap.

  4. Mich – done and DONE.

    Prinny – right??

    Kez – I mean I get it, I do. It's just that she's TAKEN. I'm SINGLE, why can't I wear a slutty black dress with 5 inch red heels?

  5. I have 5 weddings in three months to go to. I have a plus one because I'm already hitched myself, however, I live in Virginia and NONE of the weddings are in town. Two in California, two in North Carolina and one in Florida. I fit into all of those crowds even though they are completely different from one another but my plus one does not. He might be staying home a lot. I can't take my no dancing husband white husband to a Puerto Rican wedding when I can dance Merengue all night and still want more.

    I hate wedding season. That's why I got married on Thanksgiving weekend. Mix it all up.

  6. You'd like my wedding (two months away…meep). We don't have enough money in the budget to allow “plus ones”. So unless our guests are married or in long term relationships, there'll be loads of singles. Huzzah!

  7. I've only been to two weddings…both when I was 5 or younger. Also the gay thing impedes the uncomfortable marriage questions….although sometimes it makes them even worse.

  8. That comment was really lame. So sorry.

  9. I think wearing black to weddings is acceptable now. They changed the law.

    Most of the weddings I've been to have required me to wear a ghastly bridesmaid dress though, so what do I know.

  10. Nithing white or black or sexy? Geez what should you suppose to wear then? Rules are meant to be bent anyway 😀

  11. I suggest you do ALL of those things you're not supposed to do. Everyone needs to go home with an awesome misbehavin' wedding guest story. Make the first move. Step up and BE A HEROINE TO US ALL.

  12. “Wedding Season” ?? Shit, RUN FOR THE HILLS !!!

  13. I have been asked by four (well now three I backed out of one) couples to help with their wedding plans (read “free” wedding planner), guess they loved our wedding so much thinking it was all so casual. Well they need to realize that I worked on that wedding day like it was my job, worked my ass off for 6 months, spent a ton of dough, called in a million favors, asked 20 of my closest friends family members to help and everyone thinks it was toss some flowers in a vase, open a bottle of champagne bring on the rings.

    How do you say no when someone asks you to be their maid of honor? Awkward especially as I don't even know her last name! help…

  14. Boo wedding season.

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