The Job From Hell

This guest post was submitted by the lovely Melissa of It’s Just Easier That Way

My binder cover happened to land resting on keyboard but it wasn’t less than five minutes before I moved it. It reminded me of a time I wouldn’t mind forgetting… Lost in thought, stranded helplessly in a mind trip to the past…

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

It was my fourth day on the job (from hell) and I was overwhelmed with things to learn and under whelmed with assistance or, God forbid, anyone to train me. I was lost in a sea of paperwork trying to figure out how the hell the fool who worked in this position (before I did) survived.

I can’t lie… I guess *technically* I heard the beeping… In the background. Honestly, it wasn’t even an option, in my eyes, that I would be getting up from my desk to seek out who or what was creating this indefatigable noise.

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

My boss, Dick, comes tearing through the office in a mad rush. Papers fall to the floor as he passes; even they tremble in fear with the possibility of what he could do to their fate. Turbulence erupts as he started yelling and screaming at everyone in the office, despite many of them talking on phones to their clients.

He demands that someone must do something about this incessant noise… Now!

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

Practically everyone ducks their heads, dodging his fiery eyes, trying to bury their heads in their work deep enough that maybe he will have pity on them and torture someone else. Employees, with the exception of a few ogling eyes, continue working.

Dick stomps his foot down and slams his hand on his desk. When still no one comes to running to his rescue, he doesn’t throw things or pout like a five year old… he stands right where he is and yells through the office for the entire building to hear;

“MAAAAHHH-LIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSA!!! GET! IN! HERE! NOW!”

I scurried in to his office, my hands clammy and my throat dry, my stilettos click-clack click-clacking on the hardwood floors. I could hardly speak, for his stature as well as his arrogance intimidated me.

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“Yes… hi… Did you call me? I thought I heard my name” I lied, of course, because everyone in the building KNEW he called my name.

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“DON’T YOU HEAR THAT?!?” He barks. What am I stupid?

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“Yes, I do hear that. What is it, do you think? Can I help you?”

“YEAH, YOU CAN HELP ME BY GETTING IT TO STOP BEEPING.”Now, if you’ve kept up with my job history you will know that I am currently in the IT field, but at this time I had absolutely no IT experience. Not even the experience of answering the phones at an IT firm, so I knew nothing but what the average novice knows.

“Hmm… well, it sounds like it’s coming from your computer…Can I…?”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHERE IT’S COMING FROM. I NEED YOU TO GET IT TO STOP. AND IF YOU CAN’T GET IT TO STOP… FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN! I DON’T CARE HOW YOU DO IT… JUST DO IT!”

“beeeep!”

“beeeep!”

“Ok, well I’ll just the need the number for our IT company, then I will give them a call and have someone look into it right away for you, Mr. Dick, sir! Oh, wait… it appears that there is… a binder…”It stops.

Absolute silence breaks out across the entire office.

Dead air.

A sense of calmness comes over everybody as they realize the “new girl” has just solved Dick’s problem (and therefore, all of ours too).

“WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?!?” He barks.

“I just removed that binder that was resting all of its weight on your keyboard spacebar. Can I do anything else for you, Dick? Ok, greeeaaat…. I’ll just get back to work then.”

And that was the day that I knew…

I lasted 33 more days.

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18 responses

  1. hahahahaha that is the best. way to troubleshoot.

  2. Ben; I’m not even sure that I MEANT to troubleshoot! Lol… he was truly the craziest boss (read: sociopath) I have ever even heard of. I wish I could remember more stories!

  3. Wow, do you work for < HREF="http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0009719/" REL="nofollow">Michael Scott<>? Wait, then that makes you < HREF="http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0009720/" REL="nofollow">Pam Beesly<>, and the hottest woman in the office.

  4. cute guest blog! i no longer feel bad about my job – today. haha.

  5. Alice ..I ..Melo? ..what? ….I …Ohhhh – guest blogger. I get it.

  6. I’ve taken notes from this post on how to annoy the p*ss out of my collegues.

  7. I would have solved him hearing the problem by knocking him out. Your method was a little less fun, but a little more effective.

  8. MindD; Michael Scott would be wrapped around my little finger faster than he could say “that’s what she said!” But I’m totally the hottest woman in our office (SHUT UP! Not everyone knows I’m the ONLY woman in our office)! Paint-Me; Thank you so much! It was “my first time” so I appreciate the compliment! We could all stand to hear these stories every once in a while to help us feel (even only a little) grateful. Dr. Z; Well, hel-looo Dr. Zibbs! MissMilly; I think this will DEFINITELY work. 😉  Thanks for commenting. Pistols; I think this is one of those situations where you always think about the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s after the fact! I like your idea better.

  9. Girl, you are way smarter than I was. I stayed for 7 years, 9 months and 24 days before I walked away from the ID-10T that was my boss.

  10. this reminds me of that AWESOME Monday Night Football commercial where the guy is dreaming he is “laying down tracks” with MC Hammer but his alarm clock is beeping and Hammer says, “who’s beeper keep beeping and beeping?” and then the other guy says, “Hammer, don’t hurt him!” Awesome.

  11. i love reading these job stories, it makes me feel just a little bit better… just a lil thought

  12. haha the office just came on and pam is the hottest girl in the office….

  13. I can’t believe you lasted 33 minutes working for that guy.

  14. omg. That was a GREAT way to start the day…..

  15. Lisa; Well thank goodness you finally got out! But YEARS? Ugh… No way, Jose.Mike; I have no idea what you’re talking about but you crack me up.pj; glad you enjoyed. Thanks for commenting. And, about Pam? She isn’t the ONLY woman in the office 🙂enc; Honestly? Me either.vodkamom; I think a martini would be a great way to start the day working for this loser! 😉

  16. MelO and Alice in one package, this is great! You are brilliant MelO – such a trouble shooter.

  17. Hahahaha. I love it. Nice work!

  18. I love making bosses look like total fucking idiots, especially when’s they’re total fucking dicks. Ha.I love your writing, btw.

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