2. If you should notice that the restaurant is starting to look pretty empty and the other servers are tidying up all the other tables around you – maybe it’s time to leave. Hey, if you want to spend time talking to your long-lost-love/brother/college-roommate/father/dog/sister, fine. Just be sure to do it somewhere like Denny’s. They happen to be open 24 hours.
3. I know this will come as a shock to most people but water is a drink. So when I ask if you’d like to have something to drink you probably shouldn’t say “No thanks….I’ll just have a water”. Also, if you are just having water…for now and don’t intend on ordering anything else, drop the for now bullshit. We’re onto you.
4. I am by nature a happy and easygoing person. If you go out of your way to hate yourself and make my life miserable, the following may or may not happen:
- I may check all other tables in my section before yours
- I may walk by your table and ignore you although the death stare shooting from your eyes is apparent to me and many others
- I may stand by the bar with other servers and, in your full view, talk about what an asshole/bitch you are
- I may charge you for gravy, mayonnaise, bread, etc. even though technically the chefs will give it to me for free
- I may take extra long for any requests you have -especially if you are in a rush
- I may leave your food sitting in the hot window until it’s just edible and I may therefore have to sample a fry to be sure it’s still okay to serve
5. If you are in a “really big hurry” to get to the theater/hockey game/sex-show it’s advisable for you not to order appetizers and then a well done steak. No, we don’t have a magical machine that cooks steak in ten minutes…unless you consider the microwave magical or want the stuff the last asshole sent back.