A Few Helpful Tips For Restaurant Patrons

1. When I have my hands full, how about NOT trying to pass me the three other dishes on the table. I can only carry a certain amount of shit at once. Alternatively, if I’m reaching a ridiculously far distance to reach your plate – try passing it to me, douche bag. I’m not Inspector fucking Gadget.

2. If you should notice that the restaurant is starting to look pretty empty and the other servers are tidying up all the other tables around you – maybe it’s time to leave. Hey, if you want to spend time talking to your long-lost-love/brother/college-roommate/father/dog/sister, fine. Just be sure to do it somewhere like Denny’s. They happen to be open 24 hours.

3. I know this will come as a shock to most people but water is a drink. So when I ask if you’d like to have something to drink you probably shouldn’t say “No thanks….I’ll just have a water”. Also, if you are just having water…for now and don’t intend on ordering anything else, drop the for now bullshit. We’re onto you.

4. I am by nature a happy and easygoing person. If you go out of your way to hate yourself and make my life miserable, the following may or may not happen:

  • I may check all other tables in my section before yours
  • I may walk by your table and ignore you although the death stare shooting from your eyes is apparent to me and many others
  • I may stand by the bar with other servers and, in your full view, talk about what an asshole/bitch you are
  • I may charge you for gravy, mayonnaise, bread, etc. even though technically the chefs will give it to me for free
  • I may take extra long for any requests you have -especially if you are in a rush
  • I may leave your food sitting in the hot window until it’s just edible and I may therefore have to sample a fry to be sure it’s still okay to serve

5. If you are in a “really big hurry” to get to the theater/hockey game/sex-show it’s advisable for you not to order appetizers and then a well done steak. No, we don’t have a magical machine that cooks steak in ten minutes…unless you consider the microwave magical or want the stuff the last asshole sent back.

23 responses

  1. You and my girlfriend would get a long. I hear her talk about these things all the time when she comes home from work.<3

  2. haha when I was a server I used to charge people for refills of juice… if I liked you I’d just give them for free.

  3. I was a waiter when I first move to LA and your 5th point was fucking SPOT ON. I wish all customers knew that.In fact, it should be a law that everyone has to wait tables at least once in their lives.Try yelling out “Go go gadget arms” next time

  4. I agree with So@24, everyone should be required to wait tables. Especially if their family is really rich and they don’t need the money. Or if they think waiting tables is easy.

  5. People on their way to a hockey game don’t have to worry about being late because they ordered a steak well done. THEY EAT IT RAW! GRRRR!

  6. this is such a eye opener for many (like me) I try my best to help the waitress whenever I am out and be nice and helpful, I hate it and get really embarrased when my friends are snotty.Though you can come across bithcy waitresses as well, without you having done anything.

  7. Everything you said is true. I hate people so much. I remember why I don’t miss waiting tables.

  8. The thought of servers eating off my plate before it gets to me makes me cringe. That is why I’m always extremely nice and tip very well in hopes that tales of my awesomeness spread from restaurant to restaurant.That and I try not to listen to insider stories like these.

  9. The service industry is so much fun. Catering on weekends I run into those same A holes at private parties. No yes please or thank you- u get your stuff last.. Its pretty simple.

  10. Love leaving anonymous comments… Hahaha rough day. Hi all

  11. When I was a busboy when I wa sin 9th grade, the waitresses would make me turn the lights on high and make a racket with the chairs to get the last table of people moving.

  12. Damn. I totally say that I’ll have water “just for now”. I really don’t know why… it just comes out!Please don’t hate me, I promise I’ll stop!

  13. Oh my, this post brings back memories!! Too funny.My favorite is when, on Sundays, people would leave me a tape of their church sermon as a tip. While I appreciate the fact that I may need more Jesus in my life, it does NOT help pay rent.

  14. I feel your pain sista! I used to work in a restaurant and people are just rude and awful!

  15. As a fellow ex-server, I totally loved this post.

  16. that was funny in a mean way, haha…but yeah, customers undervalue waiters…so good luck to ya!

  17. you are awesome! i love your blog 🙂

  18. Is it ok to ask the waitress to serve you topless?Just trying to settle a bet.

  19. I love it. I worked in Hollywood for years as a waiter.Good stuff.

  20. Oh Jesus. Don’t get me started. I had a table that sent back EVERYTHING last night and proceeded to give me GREAT TIPS like “We want our drinks BEFORE appetizers.” No, shit, really? I’ve only been serving tables for eight years and I’ve NEVER even THOUGHT of this concept before. Thanks for the advice.

  21. I always say “No thanks, I’ll just have water.” Sorry. Please don’t hate me. Every time I hear/read something like this I think “Man, I could never be a waitress. I hate people WAY too much. I would probably blow them up or something.”

  22. your a complete bitch and I love you! That was a compliment darling!

  23. I thought about this post over the weekend when my husband and I had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. When asking for our drink order, my husband said “Water for now…” Our waitress was onto him 🙂

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