While little miss Alice is off gallivanting across the East Coast with Blondie, I’m stuck in corporate Vancouver crunching numbers.
Who am I you ask? The Well-Intentioned Heartbreaker of course. And even though I’ve been avoiding my own blog for nearly a week, as Alice’s best blogger friend* I’ll still hold down the fort for her.
As I moseyed my way over here this morning, I tried to think of what to write that wouldn’t disappoint after Falwless’ post yesterday on Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads. I mean really, what can top that?
My first thought was to post on Ridiculous Yahoo Sponsored Ads, but bloggers usually aren’t too happy with the whole “plagiarism” thing. And I’m not really out to make enemies. Or too many of them at least.
Then it struck me that Alice lives in Calgary. And, wait for it, I used to live in Calgary. I mean, I got out of there as fast as I could, but I did do a quick stint in the wonderful world of the cows. Though, I shouldn’t lie, I don’t remember seeing a single cow while I lived in Calgary. This may be because cows in Calgary are simply a myth, or because I was too drunk at all times to notice my surroundings.
Alice is 100% correct when she says Calgarians drink. They drink when they’re happy, they drink when they’re sad. And they especially drink when they are mad. They drink before school, during work, and once they’ve retired. Anytime is a good time to drink in Calgary. Happy Hour is more like Happy 24 Hours. I worked at a bar while I lived there, which was a blast, but if you plan on doing this, don’t plan on getting anything productive done. You will go to work, get off at 3am and then party with your coworkers until 7am. You will likely crash at one of their houses, and wake up around 3pm and go shopping. You will go home, get ready for work, and press repeat. For months on end. Just letting you know..
Another thing I noticed when I lived in Alice’s hometown is that Calgarians are immune to the cold. I nearly died every single time I stepped outside in the winter. Inhaling air below freezing nearly made my lungs collapse. I dressed in parkas and snowboots and everyone else was still rockin‘ their flipflops. Everyday I was all “These people must be part fucking Eskimo.”
Also? Calgarians think that plugging their cars in at night so the engine doesn’t freeze is normal. It isn’t. It’s totally weird and I always forgot. Oh, and they go “warm up their cars” before leaving places like restaurants and stuff? I never did. Now that I think about it, Calgary is probably the reason my car is currently on it’s last leg.
I do give Calgarians props for being totally, insanely friendly as I made a bazillion friends there pretty much overnight.. (though now that I think about it, this is probably related to the drinking).. But I’m totally with Dizzy who thinks Alice should pack up and settle down in Vancity.**
*I don’t think Alice wanted me to say that. She’s worried you’d all be jealous.
**Alice, if you’re worried about moving to Vancouver because we don’t drink as much as Calgarians, I’ll totally pick up my old Calgary habits and make you feel right at home.