Moving on, I guess I could tell you about how Saturday I went to Taste of Calgary and flirted shamelessly with one of the guys handing out beers. He was hot so I’m forgiven. Turns out he is friends with Blondie’s friend, Trainer. He used to be a trainer too so he’s got muscles and height which are a good combination in my eyes. I hate being set up but if we all happen to go out sometime I won’t complain. Meaning, we better all go out sometime or I will complain.
Saturday night I had my mother over for dinner. I made portobello mushroom chicken and roasted peppers with a salad. At least the food was pretty good. My mother is very hard to explain so I won’t bother trying. I’ll just say that after dinner we drank a bottle of wine, a bottle of mojitos, and some coolers.
Frenchie and her sister showed up, because the three of us were going to this housewarming party together. For the first half an hour all was good, my mom was well-behaved although super drunk and trying a little too hard to be funny. When she tries to be funny she ends up being mean.
For example, Frenchie and her sis Pouts, look very young. They are 28 and 30 but look about 18 or 20. My mother started on about them being so cute but then she started talking about how flat-chested Pouts is. I think it was something like Pouts is flat-chested but Frenchie makes up for it in her ass (which is a lovely ass – very J-Lo-esque).
So Frenchie says “I think it’s time to go”. This was either before or after my mother asked if she could reverse time and have an abortion 24 years ago (that’s when I was born). Yes, my mother the comedian. All night the girls were like “hm ya ok, we get it why you get upset about her”.
I’m used to it, but it’s strange for someone else’s mother to be insulting you I would guess.
The housewarming party was good although the cops showed up twice (I had a flashback to High School) and Blondie and I decided cartwheels were fun to do down the street. I have sore arms, neck, legs and back today. Who knew cartwheels hurt so much.
Sunday was spent in the fetal position on the couch with popcorn and water. I did manage to get myself up to go to a movie at the most crowded theatre on earth. Why is it that when you look your worst you run into the people you definitely don’t want to see?
I ran into a high school girlfriend, who was all perfectly groomed and dressed. Meanwhile I’m wearing ripped jeans (from the days when that was trendy – circa 2005) and an old Guess sweater with my hair up in a messy bun. Then I ran into HottieMcDoMeNow who I know from the private club I used to work at.
I guess some things we’ll just never know.