Weekend FAIL

I received a little delivery of toys and the like on Thursday. Since O/N and I had been joking about this particular delivery for a month I decided to let him know I got it.

Alice: Got a package yesterday…how was your week?
O/N: Good for you! Guess this means I’m out of a job 😦
Alice: Hardly. I ordered them in a drunken stupor, plus it’s more fun with someone else
O/N: Yeah, don’t hurt yourself


I was waiting for a cab outside my house Saturday night, on my way to karaoke (don’t judge) and I heard the neighbors a few doors down playing guitar and singing. In the spirit of being neighborly I decided to go over there and say hi. I walked into the backyard:

“Hello, I’m just from a few doors down and heard the music here. I can’t find a lighter to save my life; do you guys happen to have one?”

So this one girl says “There’s a light right there,” pointing to a tiki torch. After I awkwardly light my cigarette, trying not to engulf my hair in a huge ball of fire, the girl gives a little laugh and says “Oh, I actually do have a lighter”.


Sunday we’re rafting down the Elbow River, drinking beers, just minding our own business when we see a group of police officers standing on the shore. Normally I wouldn’t be too worried because the cops are fairly lenient on the Elbow. However, we didn’t have any lifejackets and they began to yell at us.

“Girls in the grey raft! Hey! Girls with the palm tree! Get your lifejackets on!” Keep in mind this river is waist deep at the highest point and most people bring their small children to wade there. It’s not dangerous.

We pretended to root around for the jackets (our boats being so deep we couldn’t find them and all). One of the officers made a half-assed attempt to bike along the shore beside us for a minute and then gave up. Onward-ho we went.

Further down the river we stopped our convoy of five rafts to have a little beer and suntan break on the shore. As we’re lounging by the river we see two cops walking along the banks, stopping to talk to rafters occasionally. Partially because we were drunk and partially out of fear of reprimand for the lifejacket situation we all jumped on the rafts and pushed away from the bank yelling “oleee, ole ole ole!” Yes that’s smart – call more attention to yourselves.

As we were fleeing the cops, one of the rafts ran into a large stick and punctured. Then, in our hurry to rearrange ourselves on the remaining rafts, one of the girls jumped in hers and onto the paddles which promptly snapped in half.


10 responses

  1. FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I say FAIL so often these days whenever things don’t work out. I was actually surprised how often I fail on a daily basis!

  2. Standing next to an open flame while asking for a light is genius. I love that haha

  3. But what did you sing at karaoke???

  4. karaoke is cool!!! and i love the idea of rafting while under the influence!

  5. Oh yeah? Last night I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmellow. When I woke up, I went to the fridge where I keep my giant marshmellow – and it was gone. FAIL.

  6. Haha, you couldn’t plan these things. I love moments like that.

  7. I am so tired of Canadians trying to sneak into our country via river rafts. It’s a major problem here, you know.

  8. Your life is so much more exciting than mine… (I haven’t decided yet if that’s a good thing or a bad thing though.)

  9. Ringleader – tell me about it!! Ben – I tend to do really smart things like thatSurviving – Black Velvet, Dreams and Bitch, hoo yaPaula – not always the smartest but always the most fun ideaDr. Z – Epic FAILAngela – I definitely don’t plan to fail. It just seems to happenPistols – We almost made it this time. Next time though, watch out.AttachedMama – I can’t decide either…

  10. […She’s sexy! She has impeccable grammar and shoes! She talks about sex toys!…]

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