The Real World: Resume Edition

I’m working on the ol’ resume. No, I’m not planning on leaving my day job anytime soon, I have it pretty good here. It’s my part time job that is starting to drive me crazy (see the ridiculousness here). I love serving, don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t because I don’t need to.

I just know it’s time to leave a place when I start dreading having to even enter the code at the back door to get in and start my shift. And I don’t just dread it because my memory friggin sucks and I can never remember the stupid code.

Anyway, while updating (read: embellishing) my resume I started thinking about resumes in general. If I was honest my resume would look something like this:

03/2007 – Present
The Oil Company I Work For
Exec Ass’t & Office Admin

– Delegating responsibility to my underling
– Writing Blog entries
– Dealing with whiney sarcastic jerks at phone/xerox/computer companies
– Trying to appease 5 bosses
– Writing letters, filing letters, signing letters, posting letters, assigning letter-writing to others, responding to letters, stacking letters, unstacking letters

10/2006 – Present
The Restaurant I Serve At
P/T Server

– Seeing how many wine glasses I can carry in one hand without dropping any (I’m up to 9)
– Chatting with hostesses in hopes they will seat my section when I am bored
– Making fun of guests in the service alley
– Telling new people to find something (like a bacon-stretcher) in the basement. There is no basement. There is no bacon-stretcher.
– Flirting with cute co-workers/managers/guests

Volunteer Experience

10/2007 – Present: Chair of Oil Company Charity Committee (pick random charities, give them company money)
07/2006 – Present: Global Parent, Unicef (give them money)
1998-2006 – Bingo/Casino (was forced to do this for extracurricular activities)
2001 – Bilingual Debate Tournament Judge (received desperately needed bonus marks in Social Studies)
1995 – 1999: SPCA (got to play with dogs and skip church on occasion)

Summary of Qualifications

– Demonstrated excellent hand-eye coordination
– Prone to make others look superior
– Ability to deal with aforementioned whiney, sarcastic jerks
– Happily find ways to rid you of hard-earned money via charity organisations
– Superior winking, giggling & eyelash-batting skills

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12 responses

  1. How are you at pretending you find me interesting? That’s how I hire every one of my employees.

  2. absolutely love it…especially the waitressing portion..I can identify with all of those job tasks!

  3. The bacon stretcher and basement prank made me laugh out loud! 😀

  4. lol..eyelash batting skills…u crack me up..

  5. all I can say it your hired if I was the boss and someone actually sent me that resume

  6. August 16, you say?Your résumé should also include having a drink with a Halifax local. For reals.

  7. Prone to making othere looking superior?Lets be friends.

  8. Pistols – Normally I'm pretty good at that, but with you I may have to try a little extra hardNrichie – Excellent, looking for a job?Almost – Almost as good as the time I sent a hostess next door to find the fluxcapacitator…Classy & Fab – It's an important skill to haveChele – Awesome, what's my job?Ben – We fly in at 6:30 am and head to PEI by 11, however, we are planning a Halifax party night the 23rd or 24th – care to join? Oh oh, please join!RS27 – Done.

  9. Halifax Party: I’m in.

  10. Wow, this looks pretty much exactly like my resume would. I loved the whole <>Telling new people to find something (like a bacon-stretcher) in the basement…<> That’s goddamn brilliance right there, lady. You’re hired!

  11. hehe…I’d hire you! You have more skills than most of the clowns I work with. And not a single one of them has eyelash-batting skills!

  12. That’s the best resume I have seen in a long time. Although one of my friends sent one out to lots of companies before I proof-read it. She majored in Pubic Relations.I hear a lot of people do that in college.

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