The Problem With the Gym

Alice: I need to renew my gym membership. Like, yesterday.

Frenchie: I need to renew my will power. Can I pay for that? I would… a lot

Alice: I think they accept your soul as payment

I meet with my new trainer this week. He is Scottish and sounds very intimidating on the phone. The first trainer I had was from Newfoundland and laughed at pretty much everything I did. And not in the “gee you sure are funny!” way. No, more of a “haven’t you EVER stood on one leg on a teetering Bosu Balance Trainer while throwing a ten pound medicine ball rythmically against the floor and simultaneously doing leg presses with ankle weights on? No? Ha ha – wow you newb!” sort of laughing at me way.

I’m always nervous meeting a trainer. I actually asked for a girl trainer the first time but was paired up with the Newfie. I’m sort of glad I had a guy because although I wasn’t attracted to him, I wanted to work harder to impress him. Or something like that. With a girl I’d just try to gossip with her to distract her from the fact that I wasn’t really working out. At all. Ever.

The thing with the trainer though is that if they’re too good looking you’re embarrased to work hard. Sweat pouring down your face, arms quivering with the strain of that ten pound weight (kidding – I lift at least 12.5), real or imaginary flab jiggling everywhere as you jog in place. I need to not be thinking about what my trainer would look like naked and instead be concentrating on how many more times I can lunge before I collapse on the floor like a puddle of out-of-shape Jell-O.

Another thing? All the trainers seem to have photographic memories. “Alice! We haven’t seen you in three weeks, two days and six hours! Have you been away? No? Well, you can sure tell” *wink* Do they take that as a class in preparation to become a trainer? Memorize all members’ schedules. When you see a member, mark it in the little book. Always check this book the next time they are in to ensure you can embarass them with the knowledge that it’s been 24 days since they were last in.

Also, what’s with the hip thrust maneuver? In case you are unfamiliar, it’s where you lay on your back, put your feet on a slightly raised area – like a step, bend your knees and rhythmically raise your hips up and down. Yes, just like when you’re having sex – well, if you were having relatively boring sex. Somehow when I do them it always seems to be perfectly timed to the worst song. I just start with the hip thrust – and up, and down – when inevitably “This is Why I’m Hot” starts playing. Way to call attention to yourself and look like a huge narcissistic asshole at the same time.

(It’s my picture and I’ll make myself as damn skinny as I want to)

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14 responses

  1. Oh man, if hip thrusts count then I work out ALL THE TIME.Not really. I don’t work out at all. I just like to hip thrust for emphasis. BOO YA

  2. If working out is like sex, then it’s not worth my time to drive to a gym just for a 30 second workout.

  3. yeah I dont get the hip thrusts either, anything do with raising the pelvic area I find strange.As for cute P.T´s I think they are actually turned on my a woman who works really hard and sweats. Go on…let out that roar next time you squat

  4. The worst is if you’re a guy and get a hot female trainer.You’re all disgusting and trying to pick her up at the same time and fantasize about you two doing it on the bench.It’s awkward.I’ve just heard things.

  5. Wow, you go to the gym enough to know about hip thrusts? I used my last membership twice, I think. But you make the gym sound hillarious. Personally I get kinda shy in the changing room when all the old woman sit around topless rubbing lotion on their boobs.

  6. I can’t help picturing how uncomfortable it would be to be doing hip thrusts <>and<> have a trainer hovering nearby actually telling you, “Ok, now: thrust!”Awk-ward.

  7. What’s with all these foreigners taking our prime trainer jobs!? I’m getting so politically heated!

  8. I can relate I just started with a trainer as well. Except I choose to start working out with one that I have previously had “relations” with. Good Times.

  9. Ben – Those hip thrusts totally countPistols – I know where not to go to get my workoutChele – Working out in general is strange. I’m sure the trainers like it…rs27 – I’ll never look at a weight bench the same wayLyla Lou – I only use it because if I didn’t my trainer would call my cell and taunt me daily. The old women are slightly disturbingidhappens – Completely awkwardso@24 – Damn NewfiesLilo – you’ve got guts. there’s no way I could do that.

  10. I really want to get a trainer one of these days cause im pretty sure Im doing everything wrong at the gym. I know what you’re saying about the hip thrusts..but i feel like the gym in general is one big subtle sex parade

  11. Haha man, everything you said was so. spot. on.Training is awkward no matter what, I think.And those pelvic thrusts are SO awkward, especially when your trainer is staring at your va-jay-jay region to ensure that you are doing them correctly.

  12. Hahahahah I laughed so hard at the picture atthe bottom. Fun blog 🙂

  13. Of course now I’m sifting through your archives reading your posts, and this one is HILARIOUS! I have a trainer, too, and he thinks he’s straight but he’s not. At least I don’t think he’s attractive, so I don’t worry about grunting like a walrus.Love the picture. I wish I were that talented with Paint (ummm, have you seen my United Airlines picture? Yeahhh….you’ve got skillz)

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