Hell In A Handbasket

Sometimes I start to think about “Reasons Why I’m Going to Hell”. After the first ten or twenty I just try to stop thinking about it, while rocking back and forth and slowly chanting : “I’m a good person, I’m a good person”.

Here are my latest reasons:

1. Sometimes I pretend to be pregnant (by holding a hand protectively over my stomach and walking leaned back a bit with a discernable waddle) on the bus or train. My 4″ heels are pissing me off and I just want a seat.

2. I always hope that no one else makes it to the elevator in time before the door shuts. This could stem from my hatred of loud-breathers (especially when in close quarters) or from the fact that I don’t want to stop on every floor on the way up to my own.

3. I give people makeovers in my head. I imagine different hair colors, what kind of makeup I would put on them, the clothes that I would dress them in. This is fully, totally a narcissistic I’m-better-than-you attitude and I’m fully aware of that. I still do it.

4. I blog at work. I act like I’m sooo busy half the time and that my job is stressing me out when really it’s only certain people that stress me out. My job can be stressful for sure but mainly it’s the unrealistic expectations that are put on me, not the job itself.

5. I date like a guy.

I’ve lived with two boyfriends, (one for two years even!) and was the one to break up with both. In fact I think I’ve broken up with pretty much all of my boyfriends. There is one guy I can think of where I truly felt like I was acting like a girl sometimes and that’s pseudo-bf – only in the last few months and only because he was the only guy I can think of who didn’t want to seriously date/move in together/whatever.

With Pseudo-bf I always had the thrill of the chase. I guess that gets old though. One of these days I may actually want to settle and guess what? Karma is a bitch.

6. I’ve borrowed items from friends and ‘forgotten’ to return them. They will eventually get them back, it’s just that that black dress is so perfect for that party next weekend. Those cargo’s? Who knew they’d make my ass look so good?

7. I have, on occasion, tried to blame a minor slipup on someone entirely blameless. “I’m SURE I gave that report to you to file. No? Hm, that’s weird. I could have sworn I did.” Then I get back to my office and find said report on the bottom of one of my great heaping piles.

8. I may or may not have accidentally set a golf course on fire one time.

9. I return my really late books to the library by sneaking them in and putting them back on the shelf. I then go to the front and whine that I know I have returned that book and could they please check their system again. (ed note: This also works for late movies).

And the number one reason I’m going to hell:

10. I don’t believe in hell.

However, if I were to go there, it would be a really cold place where no one wore high heels and we were forced to listen to Al Gore talk about how great he is, watch him shine his Nobel Prize while he is spending his millions of dollars heating each of his homes and driving around all his SUVs to get to his private jets so he can fly off and talk about how global warming is bad. We’d also all be forced to eat things like pigs feet, calf’s liver, tripe and chicken claws. Oh, and water chestnuts. I hate water chestnuts.

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10 responses

  1. Haha, that library trick is brilliant! I went to the library the other day for the first time in years, I had a feeling I still had a book out. I had no idea it was going to be ‘Little House on the Prarie’. I guess I havent been to the library since I was 7.

  2. Hah, I too love the library trick. You are amazing for even thinking of that.I’m joining you in hell for reasons 2, 3, FOUR, 6, 7, and EIGHT. hah. Amoung others of course.

  3. So i been lurking on your blog since you left a comment on mine. May I say I am in love, I love your blog and this post…well you wont be lonely coz I will see you in hell as well. Lets make hell fun!!

  4. I love this list. Mainly because my friends and I also discuss how we will be going to hell. All the time.I Especially liked the one about the library… Genius. Pure, golden genius my friend!

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Too bad you don’t believe in hell, because I’ll be there working the door. You wouldn’t have to wait in line and I could probably arrange a table with bottle service for you!I do all of this same shit, I’m an asshole.

  7. OH MY GOD, you’re my idol. I’ve managed a few of these items and only dreamt of pulling off the rest. I think I’ll take a couple and try to pull them off in the next few weeks…

  8. what an honest post! and like everyone, i liked the library one! number 1 though made me laugh 🙂

  9. check, check, check and check! don’t worry, when you show up in hell, you’ll be rolling with an entourage! i have never heard of such absolute brillance. i may be falling in love. please note i’ll probably cheat on you because i too, am going to hell.

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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