Sometimes I start to think about “Reasons Why I’m Going to Hell”. After the first ten or twenty I just try to stop thinking about it, while rocking back and forth and slowly chanting : “I’m a good person, I’m a good person”.
Here are my latest reasons:
1. Sometimes I pretend to be pregnant (by holding a hand protectively over my stomach and walking leaned back a bit with a discernable waddle) on the bus or train. My 4″ heels are pissing me off and I just want a seat.
2. I always hope that no one else makes it to the elevator in time before the door shuts. This could stem from my hatred of loud-breathers (especially when in close quarters) or from the fact that I don’t want to stop on every floor on the way up to my own.
3. I give people makeovers in my head. I imagine different hair colors, what kind of makeup I would put on them, the clothes that I would dress them in. This is fully, totally a narcissistic I’m-better-than-you attitude and I’m fully aware of that. I still do it.
4. I blog at work. I act like I’m sooo busy half the time and that my job is stressing me out when really it’s only certain people that stress me out. My job can be stressful for sure but mainly it’s the unrealistic expectations that are put on me, not the job itself.
5. I date like a guy.
I’ve lived with two boyfriends, (one for two years even!) and was the one to break up with both. In fact I think I’ve broken up with pretty much all of my boyfriends. There is one guy I can think of where I truly felt like I was acting like a girl sometimes and that’s pseudo-bf – only in the last few months and only because he was the only guy I can think of who didn’t want to seriously date/move in together/whatever.
With Pseudo-bf I always had the thrill of the chase. I guess that gets old though. One of these days I may actually want to settle and guess what? Karma is a bitch.
6. I’ve borrowed items from friends and ‘forgotten’ to return them. They will eventually get them back, it’s just that that black dress is so perfect for that party next weekend. Those cargo’s? Who knew they’d make my ass look so good?
7. I have, on occasion, tried to blame a minor slipup on someone entirely blameless. “I’m SURE I gave that report to you to file. No? Hm, that’s weird. I could have sworn I did.” Then I get back to my office and find said report on the bottom of one of my great heaping piles.
8. I may or may not have accidentally set a golf course on fire one time.
9. I return my really late books to the library by sneaking them in and putting them back on the shelf. I then go to the front and whine that I know I have returned that book and could they please check their system again. (ed note: This also works for late movies).
And the number one reason I’m going to hell:
10. I don’t believe in hell.
However, if I were to go there, it would be a really cold place where no one wore high heels and we were forced to listen to Al Gore talk about how great he is, watch him shine his Nobel Prize while he is spending his millions of dollars heating each of his homes and driving around all his SUVs to get to his private jets so he can fly off and talk about how global warming is bad. We’d also all be forced to eat things like pigs feet, calf’s liver, tripe and chicken claws. Oh, and water chestnuts. I hate water chestnuts.