Waiting (Part One)

I work part time in a restaurant. Mostly I do this for fun, also because the average age of people in my office hovers somewhere between Harrison Ford and the Crypt Keeper. Um also, there are some good looking eye-candy men in the restaurant biz. Oh ya plus there’s the fact that I can’t afford my lifestyle on a one person salary. Love buying shoes y’all.
Anyway usually I go in once a week, work a few hours, make some money, gossip, it’s all good. Occasionally I get asshole “guests” (not allowed to call them customers). I’m not going to bitch about money/tips because that isn’t why I work there (although $6 on $104? Really? Really?)
Instead, here are a few helpful pointers for my lovely guests.
  • When I am bringing over your food, please allow me to place it on the table before grabbing food off of it like a starving hyena. While I understand that the fries are delicious and that you have, apparently, not eaten in a week, today is not the day I want to go to emergency with 3rd degree burns because you couldn’t wait two more seconds to stuff your face.
  • On a similar note: if I say the plate is hot, it is advisable for you to NOT grab it immediately. I’m not sure if you think I’m playing a little joke on you but rest assured I’m not standing behind you with another server giggling over the fact that you actually believed me and now refuse to touch your plate. If I’m giggling over anything it’s the fact that I just won ten bucks by betting that you’d touch it in under five seconds.
  • If you are on medication or otherwise “intoxicated”, it might be best to go home, curl up in your bed (fetal position is highly recommended) and have a good sleep. Our booths may be comfortable and all but nothing beats waking up at home. You know, as opposed to at my table, in a plate of mashed potatoes.
  • I appreciate it when you are understanding! It’s nice to see your happy smiling face patiently waiting for me to grab your diet pepsi with three ice cubes and a lime and the water, no ice with a lemon. Can I offer you a peppermint tea with honey and milk or perhaps you’d like some hot fucking water with a side of kiss my ass?
  • If there is a sign that says “Seat Yourself” well by all means – go for it! Live a little, maybe grab a table that’s close to the kitchen so you can hear the profanities spewing from the mouths of the cooks! Maybe try a high table with stools (you rebel)! If however, there is no sign, or a sign that says “Please Wait to Be Seated” why not wait for the goddamn host/ess. She/he will be delighted to escort you to a table (usually of your choice). There IS a system, we KNOW there are empty tables – feel free to sit in one if you like waiting for an hour to be served – because there is no server in that section.
  • I don’t mind changing up the food a bit. You’re on a low-carb diet? Aren’t we all – so no potatoes for you, great! And your friend has an allergy to shellfish? Ok, super I will let the cooks know and we’ll keep those pesky shrimps away from ya. No worries. Oh, little Billy wants the pasta but with tomato sauce instead? Consider it done. Now Grandma, as for your request for something that fits in with your gluten-free, low-sodium, no butter, allergic to nuts and garlic, hate cilantro, can’t digest sugar and vegetarian diet…here is your water. Enjoy!

11 responses

  1. My aunt’s mom is JUST like that hypothetical grandma you described with the super-restrictive diet in the last paragraph. NO JOKE. It even annoys ME. Because she HAS to mention it about 5zillion times.What annoys me most about waitressing is when the customers don’t make room on the table for me to put their plates down. DUH!

  2. Its not that I dont believe you when you say “the plate is hot, be careful,” It’s just curiosity.Just curiosity.

  3. Your first one cracks me up. My father-in-law is notorious for doing that. It drives me crazy and is so embrassing. AS was the time he told the waiter to bring us salad & breadsticks before we were even all sat down at Olive Garden. On a related note, how do you feel about huge family quarrels in a restaurant? Just curious.

  4. Angela: I mean I feel BAD for them – I had a girl who was “deathly” allergic to pepper! I was like sweetheart there is pepper floating in the air everywhere in that kitchen. You are SOL. Really though, if you don’t like lettuce with vinegar and have that many dietary restrictions maybe you should not eat out? Just saying.Oh ya and not making room IS super annoying!! Matt: You know what they say about curiousity…Tired: Ha ha I had a guy do it yesterday…and I could totally see my dad doing that. Maybe it’s a dad thing?Family quarrels are fun times! No, actually they’re super awkward.Sister: “Excuse me MISS, can you tell my MOTHER to pass the salt?” Mother: “Um, Miss? Tell my ungrateful daughter to stop being so selfish and get her own damn salt. These kids and their self-entitlement”…Good times indeed.

  5. Lol – LOVE the sarcasm! Did someone really fall asleep in their mash potatoes?!!

  6. ohhh, i totally needed the giggling (ugh, i just said “giggling”) i did while i read this. love it. 🙂

  7. just stumbled here…and loved this post 🙂ive never been a waitress but I have been a “sandwich artist” at subway and we’ve gotten some pretty interesting customers as well 🙂 people are so weird..

  8. It’s somewhat ironic that customers treat waiting staff like they’re idiots . . . then prove that THEY in fact are the idiots by their behaviour . . .

  9. Ugh! I used to be a hostess and people drove me batshit crazy!I would be leading the guests to their tables while their heads would be scanning and spinning to other sections of the restaurant looking for a better option or a better booth! My other favorite was when people would raise their hand or point and snap at you to get your attention.

  10. L.c.t – He wasn’t quite in his mashed potatoes – 2 inches to the left and he would have been…Lyla – haha I needed to get my frustrations out ;>SMB – Glad I made you giggle (even if you did have to admit it)Classy & Fab – I don’t doubt it, my gawd there are weirdos out there.Paula – Ironic indeedRingleader – Oh I hate that too! Do I look like I chase squirrels and dig up bones in my spare time? No? Then quit snapping your fingers at me!

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