The Health Food Store, Chia (Pets?) and Birdseed

You guys. I went to the health food store yesterday and it was so overwhelming. I mean, I eat fairly healthy most of the time (although I tend to eat way too much bread for someone doing a low-carb diet). Since starting Nicole’s Sugar Detox, I’ve realized that bread is a comfort food for me and a LOT of the time I just need a glass of water while I try to find something healthier.

So when Laura posted this recipe for the “Life-Changing Bread” on our little detox Facebook group,  I decided to give it a shot.

(Please ignore the strange Italian man’s head. I inherited him from my Grandma who passed away last month and I’m not really sure where to put him…)

First I looked through my cupboards and realized I had 2 of the required ingredients (maple syrup (obviously, because Canada) and almonds) and had never heard of at least one (or 3) and also? Where do I find psyllium? And chia? And I don’t own a silicon loaf pan…and…so many reasons to just say screw it.

At the Farmers Market they didn’t have spinach or kale (neither of which is for the bread btw) so we ended up going to 3 different places to get all the ingredients for the bread (and some for smoothies). The last place we went was the health food store. Arriving 15 minutes before closing on a Sunday (we’re totally those people) I stood staring at the wall of chia EVERYTHING EVER for about 3 minutes before the nice worker guy helped me find the ones I needed.

Next up: psylium husk powder. I ask the guy and he gave me a knowing look before bringing me over to the laxative section! YOU GUYS, WHAT?! What am I making here?! That’s also when R started calling it poop bread. But I mean I’d already bought eleventy million other healthy things that day so I mean, why not?

Finally at home, after spending <$40 on weird ingredients (this better be some fucking delicious bread), I mixed up all the dry ingredients and stared at my birdseed. Seriously you guys, I think I put peanut butter in this last year and stuck it in a birdhouse.

IMG_1251But then! I mixed together coconut oil and maple syrup and it smelled like a unicorn frolicking in fields of…coconut trees and um maple trees I guess. Whatever, listen, it smelled really good. For some reason I thought coconut oil tasted like nothing but actually it tastes like coconut (duh, I know). So you pour this concoction with water into your pan full of seeds/nuts/laxative husks and stir it all up. Then you wait.

IMG_1250

We go get wine while we wait because let’s face it, I’m making seed bread so I think I deserve some wine (side note: that is not how this is supposed to work). R still making jokes about coming home to birds on the counter. Also, poop.

After the initial 20 minutes of baking, you’re supposed to take the ‘bread’ out of the pan and then bake it right on the rack. Well. Let me tell you, a silicone pan would have been glorious because my loaf fell to shit at this point.

IMG_1256

I just melted more coconut oil and stuck it back together then put it back in the oven. Crises averted, I think?

This morning I was still dubious, I brought it to work with me and sliced a couple pieces off, toasted them and topped them with cream cheese.

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After the first bite I was intrigued but not too sure how I felt. After the third or fourth bite, I was like okay, this is not bad but the almonds have a funny taste that I KNOW I can place…then I realized I used the almonds in my pantry which are probably super stale. And that is the exact flavour that was not sitting well. I picked out the almonds and it was much better.

In conclusion, this bread is surprisingly tasty, super easy and a little expensive. But I also have enough of all those ingredients to make like 10 more loafs now so there’s that. I’ve had 2 slices in total today and am nicely filled up after eating each slice. I would definitely make it again; especially on those days when I just want a sandwich (low-carb makes that hard). I can definitely see myself putting some avocado, tomato and bacon on this bread. So yeah, go forth and try it yourself.

Just don’t use stale almonds.

7 responses

  1. Oh my GOSH Jen I friggin’ cry-laughed through this post. Baking a hippy? Poop bread?! Unicorns frolicking in a field of coconut & maple trees. Amazeballs. Thanks for being the guinea pig and testing out the recipe, I haven’t even gotten to it yet but I have a feeling that’s on the roster for this weekend.

    No stale almonds.

    1. Aww glad you enjoyed my little misadventure! Have you tried it yet? Next time I’m going to try macademia nuts just in case ;)

  2. I tried the bread too last weekend… and I used almonds (instead of hazelnuts) as well :) Twinsies! Your shopping trip sounds like an adventure… I had a similar experience at the local co-op, but it wasn’t accompanied by equally hilarious comments from my husband ;)

    1. Twinsies!! Those health food stores are ridiculous! And yeah, I’m glad my boyfriend was there to provide commentary or I would have been so overwhelmed…

  3. this post is hi-lar-ious!! omg… poop bread. so funny!!

    So… how about the pooping? LOL Did it do wonders for your BM’s?

    1. Ohmigosh I was dying. Poop bread. Thanks R.

      Anyyyyway, since I haven’t been eating like any carbs I can say this bread definitely has a lot of fibre…

  4. This is by far the most entertaining recipe/baking story I have ever read. And I TOTALLY had the same thought about coating a pinecone in this and putting it out for winter birds.

:: tell me something good ::

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